Thoughts of Mike

Death

2005-05-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

This blog is dead. I won't try to revive it.

To Austin

2005-03-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, I went with my roommate Ben to see a few concerts in Austin. There were two bands there that we knew would be great, Harvey Danger and Nada Surf. If you don't believe me when I say that they are great, you obviously haven't listen to them or you are denying the obvious. So we began our drive, Mazda truck style, to Austin, home of weirdo's, nerdo's, and some pretty cool guys.

I called up Keith, a junior at the University of Texas and let him know that we would be up with two, possibly three hungry people, and it was his job to let us know of a good restaurant. He did not disappoint. Thank you, Keith, Ananth, and Chloe, for showing us a good hour at an authentic Mexican restaurant. Conversation was lively, and I even scared Chloe by flexing my Christian vocabulary.

"All those not saved by our Lorde Jesus Christ who sits on most high…. Etc." I think she wet her pants. She later made the comment that she would someday conquer the local mall by spending tons of money on a credit card there. I remarked that on that day, perhaps, the mall will conquer her… by getting tons of money from her credit cards. She hates me. I then remark at the utter suckiness of a band called Fastball, a band for whom another band will open in a few weeks. This other band features people who might call Keith, Ananth, and Chloe friends, so I felt bad.

"Yeah, they are opening for Fastball in a few weeks!"
"Fastball blows."
"Mike, you blow."

And this is me talking in the present now…. "I know. My condescension of things greater than I is a habit I am willing to try and break. Sorry, guys."

We parted ways and Ben drove us to the Red Eyed Fly, a bar that was participating in South by Southwest, possibly the coolest music festival known to mankind. We get in shortly before 8 o'clock, which is when the first band was scheduled to kick off their show. Every show ran on time.

8:00 - Tracker takes the stage. They are OK. I have seen this type of show before and it seems a little out of place considering the venue. A sort of electronic piano driven free form sounding music came from their strange array of instruments. Like I said, they are OK.

8:40 - A short chinless girl who looks just like someone I used to loathe in high school begins pushing everyone around trying to make room for the bands equipment.

Ben - "She has sassafras."
Me - "I want to smack that bitch up."

9:00 - Menomena takes the stage. Their name is pronounced like the 'phenomena', but with less… you know… John Travolta. They are great. They kind of rock pretty hard, but only half way roll. They could roll 100% but they include a couple of saxophones. One is 5 feet tall, so it's OK, but the other is just annoying. Still great they are. They will grow into a better band eventually. There is talent running out of their ears.

9:50 - Ben and I spot the lead singer from Harvey Danger. In a rather drastic contrast from most celebrities I have seen in real life, he is significantly larger in person than one might assume. He has to be 6' 6" and 250 pounds. Ben and I discuss the possibility of them playing their one big radio hit, Flagpole Sitta. He says that they have better things to do than retread that thing. You see, every song I've ever heard come out of them is better than Flagpole Sitta. Flagpole Sitta was just a different sounding tune at the time, so someone decided to saturate the air-waves with it. With possibly the greatest lyrics in the business, they are the most underrated band currently playing that I know of.

He also says that the three shows after his will be awesome. "Aqueduct, awesome. Jesse Sykes, awesome. Nada Surf, fucking awesome."

10:00 - Harvey Danger takes the stage. They rock … hard.

10:45 - Ben - "I would give my left nut to see that again."
Me - "They blew my nuts clean off."

I am officially deaf.

10:55 - Aqueduct takes the stage. These guys are simply awesome. They begin their show ahead of schedule so that they have time to dance on stage. The drummer literally ran to the front of the stage and did a dance that brought happiness into my life. With more time to spare they cover that rap song from Office Space. Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta. Only, Aqueduct says "Gansta mother fuckers" instead of "Gansta-ass niggas." They lose a few points in my book for not having the balls to say 'niggas'.

11:00 - Aqueduct begins their real performance and put on a very, very cool show. One can tell that they simply have fun on stage. That is something I would like to see more of.

12:00 - Jesse Sykes takes the stage and while hot, she is also a complaining hippie. "My monitor is humming… There is a weird echo… I can't wait to get this over with so I can just get drunk… You try doing a sound check… This is stressful… It's too hard… I want to die… Someone put me out of my misery… on and fucking on she went.

Yeah Jesse, the sound guy has it in for you. Everyone else either deals with the sound issues or just sounds great despite them, but you fucking groan about every little thing. I can just picture you on your tour van. "The crackers are too small. The bread breaks when you fold it… it’s a catastrophe. My amp doesn't go to eleven." I am quite sure the only thing keeping the guys with her is the poon tang she no doubt provides after getting shit-faced at every show.

Not only is she a complainer, but her songs were the most depressing things you've ever heard. As her tempo went down, so too did my pulse. The only thing that went up in the room was the median age. She even had the nerve to say, "For you guys I am playing my rockin' songs." Uh huh. Kill me now. If Harvey Danger blew my balls off, she found them and sewed them back on. Jesse Sykes blows endless herds of hippopotami.

1:00 AM - Nada Surf takes the stage. They are freaking awesome. They skip the sound check and when the bassist breaks a string, what does the lead singer do? He plays a song solo! Jesse, are you taking notes? They either rock past whatever sound problems there are or fix them on the fly. Their set was amazing. Like Harvey Danger, Nada Surf opted to play songs that were either better or unreleased rather than play their one radio hit, Popular.

My nuts are missing again.

2:00 - After a dinner at IHOP, Ben and I drive back to Waco and sound to each other as if we have lisps. The ringing in our ears is canceling out the S-sound.

King? Not I.

2005-03-08T21:21:00.000-08:00

Stop kneeling, for I am not king. Here is the summary of what those guys thought of my site.

There were only 2 of the 3 judges who responded to my stuff so here are their thoughts and my thoughts in response.

To the Challenge Question

Judge 1 -

Thoughts of Mike GOOD POINTS: Well-designed and good poking fun at the other pretenders. Hilarious surprise guest! BAD POINTS: A little much on the foul language. No need to introduce the post, just post and if people don't get that it's the submission, all the better!
SCORE: 4.54

Judge 2 -

Thoughts of Mike: Lame "here's the question for the King of the Blogs contest and here's my response" intro. Very loosely covers the "Scooby-esque" portion of the challenge... I suppose Paris Hilton qualifies as the surprise guest and surprise villain? There is a script... and a theme song... but you know, I just didn't find it all that entertaining. Extra points for the creativity shown in providing a theme song and script... points docked for lame intro. I'll try to avoid letting my distaste for the coarse language and anything involving Paris Hilton in general color my rating... Thoughts of Mike earns a 3.5.

It is clear that a 3rd judge would have broken the tie on whether or not my script was funny. And to the common criticism that people should not introduce the bulk of a rather odd post with some sort of background on why it exists, fuck you. I am not going to just start up with a script and theme song for anything as lame as a Scoobydoo rip off, even if mine was better than anything you people have read lately. So, judges, remember... coherency requires context.

Judge 1, try to devirginize your eyes and ears.

Judge 2, you're dumb.

To the Submitted Post

Judge 1 -

INITIAL REACTION: Good story. Was the original title, "A Wallet And It's Emptying Story?"
GOOD POINTS: Excellent. With all the various quotations and conversations, it was sure to have grammatical errors, but I saw none. Brilliant. Nice staying with story line, including pictures and score keeping.
BAD POINTS: The first watch picture is out of focus, while the second is not. How many margaritas did he have that night?
SCORE: 4.95

Judge 2 -

Thoughts of Mike: OK, wow. Interesting story. You missed censoring one of the "F" words, by the way. Mike's writing style is pretty clear, but I do have to nitpick something in every post and this one really bothered me: the story changes from being told in past tense to being told in present tense several times. Distracting. Another thing that distracts a Grammar Cop like me: "When Golf-Hat Boy explicitly expresses the need, nay, the requirement of his superior intellect to use such words like "planarly", I feel the need to remind him of the Orwellian rule to never SPLIT AN INFINITIVE!" I won't say I never do it myself. Sometimes it's the easiest way to make a sentence sound natural and understandable at the same time... but every time I do it, I HATE IT. Oh, and my biggest complaint - based on the title of this post, somehow I expected a little more drama than getting conned out of one dollar by a random college girl. What.A.Let.Down. This submitted post earns a 3.

Judge 1, thanks for the kind words. It is hard to take a picture of a small, poorly lit, highly reflective object. Consider yourself lucky to have pictures at all.

Judge 2, again, you're dumb. (i.e. "What.A.Let.Down.") Don't criticize grammar when you include something like that in your review. Perhaps you, like Clint and Avantgard, need a limerick…

There once was a Queen of the Blogs,
Who if anything deserves hurtful flogs.
Again… the message conveyed,
Is not subject to perfection displayed.
I'll bet you were squeezed out with a log.

To the Whole Blog

Judge 1 -

Thoughts of Mike:
NOTES: Awful standard and boring.
GOOD POINTS: Good layout, spacing in posts, and contrast. Easily readable content, good blogrolls and King of Blogs thingy.
BAD POINTS: Optimized for Firefox? Then why do I have to scroll? My window is the same size as the blogger frame at the top of the page, but the content is wider than that, causing scrolling. Also, there is no margin between the text and the side of the page -- very hard to read. No llamas. Whitespace strange -- sometimes large and wide, sometimes narrow.
SCORE: 2.41

Judge 2 -

Thoughts of Mike: White text on a black background, with a splash of pale green, light blue, and purple accents... hmm, sounds familiar - I can't complain about that color scheme. However, Mike (I'm assuming redhairblueface is the Mike whose Thoughts are in question) hasn't done much else to really give this basic black theme personality and pizzaz. I'd like to see a banner graphic of some sort to provide some punch. The "redhairblueface" photo does give a bit of personality, I'll grant that. "About Me" information is sparse and mildly amusing, between interests listed to include "You", "Them", "George W. Bush", "Simple Green", "Sock", "The", and "Tar"... and the "I can't read" under favorite books... Well, it's either mildly amusing or annoyingly cryptic. Whichever. Anywho, on technical merits, we have Blogger system comments (not as much teh suck as they used to be) and no trackback... Blogger bar searchable archives... We have no blogroll, which kind of makes Mike seem as if he's not really "part of the community" as it were. Not a bad site overall, but nothing really "wows" me here - it's almost as if Mike hasn't really put in much effort to make his blog different, special... personal. There's nothing wrong with that in general, but for one who would be King, I expect less apathy. Thoughts of Mike gets a 3.

Judge 1, when I say optimized for Firefox, I mean optimized for my computer. You have to scroll because you are probably the last person on Earth using an 800:600 screen resolution. Cheap bastard.

Judge 2, you're a dumb grammar Nazi. There is probably not a single sentence on my whole blog that you struggle with reading, but in a single post by you I have to look at this abomination... "(not as much teh suck as they used to be)" You have to be kidding me.

There is one more thing guys. Even though I censored myself once, I later realized how dumb that was considering that Kings make their own rules. That is why my second entry has several "fucks" thrown in; they're for spite. They are also there for accuracy. Tucker Max, Maddox, and I curse like sailors, so if you don't like the fact that I use them as my Scoobyesque characters, make that your complaint. Don't chastise me for using language that would likely come out of their mouths. How is that for apathy, 'tard?

So, all in all, I think that this wasn't a complete waste of time; 'twas just mostly a waste of time.

Scoobyesque

2005-03-02T00:32:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I have entered the King of Blogs competition.

This was the challenge posed to me...

The blogosphere has just been cast in a "Scoobyesqe" new Saturday morning cartoon, complete with suprise famous guests. Cast the episode with bloggers, pick a suprise guest, and pick a supruse villian. Extra points for lyrics to theme song and other extras.

I have decided that I would relate this post and script to my real everyday life.
In order to get it, I suggest you read this post first --> Unimportant
Here we go!

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Voiceover - On tonight's episode, Mike experiences his first flat out rejection with a woman!

Scene opens in an abandoned apartment. A cell phone sits atop a sofa, red light blinking indicating new messages. An Egyptian hookah, well worn and smelling of mint, lays dormant on the floor; a coal still burning above the metal plate acts as separation from the heat and the expensive flavored tobacco below.

Theme music opens with a light blues riff. B.B. King style singer begins…

"Yeah he gone and done it again, whoa its happening all over…
Oh baby he gone and done it again, and yeah its happening all over…
He gone to Taco Bell and left that coal to smolder…. Oh yeah…"

Cast of characters…

Tucker Max - Intelligent womanizer.
Maddox - Hilarious internet phenomenon.
American War Monger - Boring.
Blue Glow Worm - Boringer.
Thoughts of Mike - Often feels compelled to insult the innocent.
April - Girl across the hall from Mike.

The door opens, light from the hall illuminating the otherwise dark loft in Waco, TX.

Tucker Max, Maddox, American War Monger, and Blue Glow Worm step inside. They have picked the lock.

Tucker Max - "Well now, what the hell have we here?"

Blue Glow Worm - "Well, you see Mr. Max… This is an Egyptian style hookah, that smell is mint and it lays dormant on the floor, the coal is smoldering…" Maddox kicks him in the kidney with his peg leg.

Maddox - "I swear to God if you repeat other peoples' shit again I'm kicking what's left of your ass."

American War Monger - "Now Maddox, lets think about this logically, not creatively for humorously, but with a cold hard fact finding…" Tucker thumps American War Monger on the nape of the neck with a beer bottle.

Tucker Max - "You shut the fuck up now."

American War Monger - "Yes, sir."

Maddox picks up the phone and presses a series of buttons to reveal a couple of messages.

Message 1 - "Hey Mike, this is the dictionary calling and I have no 'suprise' or 'supruse' in my possession. Just letting you know. Out."

Maddox - "No shit."

Message 2 - "Hey Mike, this is April calling from across the hall, and you know… I find it disturbing how many times you call here and come over … so yeah, I don't think we will be able to go out… Bye."

Maddox - "Whoa, this Mike guy must be a real freak stalker."

Blue Glow Worm - "I think we have a mystery on our hands."

Tucker Max - "What's that Blue Ass Clown?"

Blue Glow Worm - "We need to find out why this guy is stalking this girl April across the hall!"

American War Monger - "We need to set up surveillance cameras and homing devices to analyze her. Then we need to defend ourselves against this enemy, Mike."

Maddox - "That idea blows endless herds of chimps. How about we just go over there and ask her."

Blue Glow Worm & American War Monger - "Can we have your permission to kick our own asses, now?"

Maddox - "Sure."

While Maddox and Tucker Max make their way to April's place, Blue Glow Worm and American War Monger proceed to punch each other in the throats for reasons even they don't quite understand. Tucker Max eats a breath mint and knocks on the door. A voice calls from inside.

April - "Come in!"

Maddox and Tucker Max open the door to reveal a woman watching TV, eating Valentine's candies obviously sent from her parents. She is looks pretty.

Tucker Max - "Hey there hot stuff… How would you like to…" Maddox cuts him off.

Maddox - "We are investigating a matter with the guy across the hall, a real fuckin' prick who stalks women. Do you know him?"

April - "Oh, that guy. Yeah, he just calls and calls and calls and never stops calling after that. Then he comes over uninvited. He's a real dirtbag."

Maddox - "Do you have any idea why he does those things?"

April - "No idea."

Tucker Max - "OK, that's all we needed to hear. Thank you for your time and if you need anything (he winks at her and licks his upper lip) you give me a call." He hands her a novelty business card with the letters F.B.I. written in bold font. They stand for Female Body Inspector.

Maddox and Tucker Max go back to Thoughts of Mike's apartment to find American War Monger and Blue Glow Worm still kicking each others' asses while Thoughts of Mike looks on. He looks like he wants to kick their asses, but since they are doing such a good job of it themselves, he just watches.

Tucker Max - "Who the hell are you? You know this is trespassing? I have a law degree from Duke and I know what trespassing is."

Thoughts of Mike - "I live here you sack of shit. What are you guys doing here?"

Maddox - "You'll have to forgive my friend. Though funny, he often doesn't think before acting."

Thoughts of Mike - "I'm calling the cops."

Tucker Max - "Apparently, you've been making lots of calls lately…"

Thoughts of Mike - "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Maddox - "We snuck into your apartment because we wanted to act like the Scooby Doo Gang and found your phone with messages on it. The second one revealed your character. April left it saying that she was tired of you calling and going over there uninvited."

Thoughts of Mike - "You judgmental bastards. Let me set you guys straight. First, I asked her how her Valentine's Day was and she said that it sucked because she didn't have anyone to share it with. I was in the same boat so a week later, I asked her out. She said that she was too sick to do it the next day, but I should call her back in a couple of days to see if we could set up a time. I waited a day, called her, and she said that she was busy and I should call back later or just go over and hang out. So that's what I did. I waited a couple of days, called her back and left a message. She never called back so I went over there and asked if she had gotten my message. She said that she knew someone called but hadn't looked into it so I decided to invite her to a party I was having over here that night. She said she was already going out somewhere else and she would come over some day so we could hang out, or I should call back or come back another time. So that's what I did. I called her back the next day, left a message, called her back the next day and left another message. She never fucking picks up the phone to answer or return calls. Then I decided that since her car was in the parking lot, I would go over there and ask what was up. I went over to find that she was not home. I asked her roommate to tell her to call me when she got in."

Tucker Max - "So the message we heard was her calling back?"

Thoughts of Mike - "I guess. Let me call that bitch back one more time. (Mike picks up the phone and calls.) 'Hello April, I see you still don't answer your phone. I also got your message and I just wanted to let you know that it is hard to get a hold of you when you don't answer your phone or return calls and it is equally hard to know when NOT to come over when you invite me. So I guess we won't be going out, Bye.' That's that. Done."

Maddox - "So you're not obsessed?"

Thoughts of Mike - "Hardly. I always thought she was cute, but I didn't know she was either a paranoid bitch or a liar. If she would have returned a call to say she wasn't interested I would have left her alone, but since she just ignored me until I went over there and when I did she seemed excited to go out, I kept at it. I mean, you know… she's cute!"

Tucker Max - "Yeah she is…"

Just then the door opens and April is standing in the hall, looking mean.

April - Between growling noises and gurgles she stammers, "Arghh, I heard everything you said through these paper thin walls! You're a stalker and you know it! You can't stand not being near me… even though you have no time, money, or emotion invested in me! Arghhhhh!!"

Maddox - "This mystery is about to get solved. Get her!"

Thoughts of Mike, Tucker Max, & Maddox grab April by the ass, breasts, and hair, respectively, holding her in place. American War Monger and Blue Glow Worm stop punching each other for just long enough to pull a rubber mask off April revealing Paris Hilton's cockeyed face.

Tucker Max - "Oh my God I took Absinthe again!"

Maddox - "No, this is real! Who else could be so self-possessed that they can not return Mike's phone calls and feel violated when he calls them back? Who else can invite a dude over and feel stalked when he knocks on the door? Few, if anyone else!"

Tucker Max - "You're right, Maddox! Well, another mystery has been solved and tragedy averted. Thoughts of Mike, we will go now. We all wish you the best of luck in your endeavors into the female world, you'll need it… or lots of flavored beer. Bye-yo."

Thoughts of Mike - "Thanks… Out." Mike slams the door, shutting out the gang of mystery solvers and the self-possessed bitch who is still growling and gurgling in the hallway.

Music starts again and B.B. King style singer sings…

"Oh yeah, he eatin' his Taco Bell, munchin' and relaxin', more content than before…
Oh baby, he eatin' Taco Bell, munchin' and relaxin', more content than ever before…
Because he's saved some money by not going out with that self-possessed whore…"

Voiceover - And there he sits, smoking mint flavored tobacco in a hookah, watching a little T.V., and enjoying a bite to eat. Join us next week when the gang goes next door to find out how it is possible that the inhabitants stay up each and every night blasting horrible music through the walls and not suffer any consequences!

Credits roll…

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If you think this is any good, vote for me here at King of the Blogs. Click the little circle and then click 'vote'.

King of the Blogs

2005-02-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

I have entered a competition.

VOTE FOR ME, BITCHES.

God wants me to be king.

Unimportant

2005-02-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

Some updates…

I haven't updated in a while and some girl in Canada is upset. Screw her. I'll update when I feel like it.

In other news… I asked out the girl that lives across the hall in my apartment building a few days ago. I have always wondered, how well do you have to know a girl before you ask her out? All the girls I have asked out in the past, save for a few blind dates, I have known rather well. On the other hand, I haven't really asked out that many women indicating that possibly I need a new strategy. I know, I'll ask out girls I don't really know and get to know them later. Brilliant!

So I met this girl in my freshman year at Baylor and I thought at the time, "Man, she's cute and nice."

I saw her a few times since then and always came to the same conclusion.

I saw her a few months ago in a fancy black dress going to some party. On that night she was smokin' hot and nice.

So anyway, I did a few jumping jacks, pumped myself up, and went across the hall. I knocked on the door. "Come in!" someone yells from inside. I go in and see that she is in the kitchen with her roommates and one of their fiancés between us. This is awkward. I am not asking her out for the first time in front of her roommates.

"Umm, I was wondering if I could see you outside for a moment."

"Yeah, sure…," she replied. Outside, she asked, "What's wrong?"

Nothing was wrong, of course. So I asked her what she was doing the next day and upon hearing that she wasn't doing anything, I asked her to go to dinner with me. She then explained that while she would really like to, she wouldn't want to go out until she was at full health. Her temperature the day prior was 103.2. That's a degree less than lethal. I'd better let her get well before we go out.

I agreed to call her in a couple days, something I just did a minute ago, to see when we would go out. She is still fighting sickness, though feeling a little better. She said that she was busy and I should call later or just come over. I might do that.

In still other news… I will be competing in something called King of the Blogs. A real douche called Norrin Radd (You can read about him a few posts down) competed in it a few weeks ago and lost to some other douche. With an audience like you guys, I can't lose. I am better than him. You can read about the thing here…KING OF THE BLOGS.

In still more news… I am applying to law schools. I am applying, hopefully. I learned how to use the word 'hopefully' from a guy named Clint Rainey. He writes an article for The Daily Texan, newspaper of The University of Texas. His articles are always about one thing, correcting the grammar, spoken usually, of others. While his grammar is flawless, he makes it a point to over emphasize the importance of such things as comma usage and noun verb agreement. It is ridiculous. Click here.

Keith recognized this and as a UT student wrote the Texan and complained about the waste of the newspaper's real estate and the support of intellectual misuse by their authors. You can read his complaint here. Notice the complaint by a guy named James Scott.

Someone named Avantgardcore wanted to respond to Keith, so he looked up Keith's blog and made a comment there. It was clear from the comment made that Avantgard just doesn't get it. Not only should you not waste important time and energy scrutinizing every word and punctuation mark, but you should not criticize the grammatical errors of others in a written comment containing, among other things, an incomplete sentence.

So I wrote The Daily Texan a limerick. Here it is.

There once was a man named Clint.
To the error of his way, Keith gives hint.
The message conveyed,
Is not subject to perfection displayed,
Though I think he just likes his name in print.

And then comes a man called Avantgard,
Who saw Keith as a threat and fought him hard.
Responded to Keith's letter in the Texan he did,
Words betraying the message he intended,
And now he just looks like a ‘tard.

But there is a fourth in the mix named James Scott.
Focus on grammar and spelling he did not.
Instead he argues from his English den,
That one should not criticize errors while making them,
And this point the Avantgard has not caught.

So here I sit in one of Baylor’s labs,
Feeling lucky not to be near so many faulty jabs.
Clint makes as many errors as Avantgard,
Both their reputations now marred,
Beyond the point of me telling you they have crabs.

I doubt it will be published.
So that is all for now. I asked a girl out; that will hopefully go well. I will hopefully be a King of the Blogs. I wrote a limerick that will hopefully, but doubtfully get into The Daily Texan, a far better paper than what we have here at Baylor, The Lariat.

Lazy

2005-02-16T23:56:00.000-08:00

I normally don't like to look at blogs and see that someone has put up a news story, but this one has me fuming.

Woman Overstays Hospital Stay by a Year

Wed Feb 16, 8:39 PM ET

U.S. National - AP

By BRIAN SKOLOFF, Associated Press Writer

More than a year after Sarah Nome was deemed healthy and given her discharge papers, the 82-year-old woman stubbornly refuses to leave her hospital bed.

AP Photo

Nome admits there is no reason she should be racking up unpaid medical bills — which have now topped $1 million — but says she has nowhere else to turn.

Now Kaiser Permanente's San Rafael Medical Center in California is suing her for the cost of her stay and trying to show her the door.

"The thing is, I have no medical problem. I've been here more than a year, never had any medication, never had any treatment, never had a fever, have a perfect heart, blood pressure is like a teenager," Nome said in a telephone interview from the hospital north of San Francisco. "It isn't that I'm not ready to go. I just have nowhere to go."

Exasperated hospital officials persuaded a judge to approve her eviction. But because Nome is bedridden and cannot walk, they have no intention of wheeling her onto the street. Instead, they hope the ruling encourages her to pack her bags.

"We're really not interested in her money," Kaiser attorney Stanley Watson said. "We just want her cooperation."

Nome's troubles began, her daughter Jane Sands says, in 2002 when she broke both her legs while living alone. After several operations, Nome could no longer care for herself and was admitted to the first of several nursing homes.

The most recent one, Nome claims, sent her to the hospital against her will. Hospital officials say she was admitted for a weeklong psychiatric evaluation, was deemed to be in good mental health, was then ordered released.

But because she is suing the nursing homes where she lived before she was hospitalized, Nome and her daughter claim she has no choice but to stay put. Nome is suing the last home she lived in, Greenbrae Care Center, for sending her to the hospital.

Watson said hospital officials have tried to find a suitable home for Nome, but Nome and her daughter insist on staying in Marin County, where Nome has spent her entire life.

That puts Kaiser in a difficult position, given Nome's bedridden state.

"If a patient were ambulatory, you could simply discharge them and say, `Have a nice day,'" Watson said. "But I can assure you that we don't plan on having the sheriff come in and physically remove her and put her on the street."

Greenbrae will not take Nome back because she is suing the nursing home, said Bob Peirce, chief operating officer of Ocadian Hospitals and Care Centers, which runs the center.

"She's suing us, and we obviously feel very strongly that she has no case," Peirce said.

Anthony Wright, executive director of the health care advocacy group Health Access California, said Nome's situation highlights a larger, nationwide problem.

"This issue is becoming more and more contentious because ... we don't have a long-term care policy in this country, so there is no set way that we take care of seniors who need ongoing care," he said.

Meanwhile, Nome remains in her hospital gown. She said the doctors and nurses "couldn't be finer," but she has missed the news since her television and newspaper privileges were taken away. "I think Bush might still be president," she quipped.

She passes the time by reading in bed and gazing out the window.

I say, "This is a problem a few well placed stink bombs will solve."

OK, let me put it to you this way. Let's introduce Kant's Categorical Imperative. Would her actions (staying in bed even though well) be a good rule for everyone who doesn't have a good place to go after a hospital visit?

No. If the doctors treated everyone like her, there would be no beds for anyone, a far greater evil than perpetually shacking up some old stubborn geezer. Any good sense of morality dictates that she be evicted. I love using Kant to justify kicking old people out on the street.

Breakfast at 3 PM

2005-02-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

15 Minute Breakfast Recipe

Ingredients

- Sandwiches -

2 Eggs
2 Slices Smoked Provolone
2 Slices Sharp Cheddar
4 Slices Bread
Real Butter
Vegetable Oil
Salt + Pepper

- Potatoes -

Small Cubed Potatoes
Canola Oil
Cayenne Pepper
Salt + Pepper
Honey
Ketchup

Recipe

Start a cup of coffee if you want.

Begin frying 2 eggs in vegetable oil. Liberally salt and pepper them.

Begin frying the small cubed potatoes, however much you want to eat in canola oil. You don't need to drown them, but it would help. Liberally salt and pepper them. Flip them around like you see on the TV. Oil will get on your shirt, so wear one that isn't too nice.

Start toasting 4 slices of bread.

Flip the eggs to fry on other side. Liberally salt and pepper them.

Flip the potatoes, too. Liberally salt and pepper them. When they start to get soft, add a few shakes of cayenne and drizzle a little honey on them. This will give them a brown color and a certain sweetness along with heat.

Your toast should be done, so put the 4 slices on a plate and butter them with real butter. Trust me on this; margarine is for sissies, just like tofu.

Put the two eggs on their own slice of toast. You're making a sandwich here, so put on the smoked provolone cheese and sharp cheddar, one slice of each on an egg as well.

Don't forget to flip your potatoes; they are probably burning by now 'cause you're slow.

Sandwich the egg and cheese between the toast and microwave until the cheeses melt into each other. On my microwave, this takes 37 seconds.

Take the sandwiches out of the microwave and pour the potatoes on the plate along with them. Put a glob of ketchup near the potatoes for dipping.

Liberally salt and pepper the whole thing for tradition's sake and pour your coffee.

If you did it right, the whole shebang will look like this.

I have said it before, and now I'll say it again. You can't step to this.

Robbed At Whore-Point

2005-01-24T13:33:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago, I was robbed.

I wasn't mugged or beaten up or anything, but I was robbed still the same. Let me start from the beginning.

I lead a very boring life. I don't go to huge parties, get really drunk, or go on all night sex romps very often… wait, never. I'll leave that lifestyle to Tucker Max. My day usually consists of class, work, practicing my cooking, and then sleep. I like to listen to talk-radio and sometimes I update this blog for you fine folks. Once in a while I read, but that would go in the "class" column.

That being said, I will go to a bar with friends once in a while. This night, I went with my roommate and a couple other people to a bar called Treff's. I settle in with the gang and begin making obnoxious and confusing statements. There is 9 dollars in my wallet. A few well received laughs later, I order a drink. Normally, I just have a beer, but I feel like something sweet, so it was time for a margarita. Where there once was 9, now there is 5.

Treff's is known for hosting small bands and tonight is no exception. A band called Deejer takes the stage and starts setting up. I start talking to a friend named Valerie.

Me - Have you cooked anything new and good lately?
Valerie - No, but I tagged some recipes the other day. Any requests?
Me - Boiled Lobsters.

Valerie, like me, enjoys cooking for other people. She is also very smart and pretty and has a nice sense of humor. She even likes cool music. Basically, she has all the properties of a good girlfriend, which is why I asked her out about a year ago. We had a bite to eat and talked for a little over an hour, but nothing came of it. Oh well. At any given time a handful of guys have big crushes on her, so she can afford to be choosy. I also enjoy babysitting her dog, which was featured in an earlier post. She also liked Michael Jackson videos playing on a projection screen behind the stage and gave a tiny hint as to what she wants for her birthday in the form of, "I really want the Michael Jackson music video compilation for my birthday."

Me - When is your birthday?
Valerie - February 15th.
Me - Let me set my watch.

I turn the outside dial of my analog watch thirty degrees counter-clockwise and in some abstract way confirm the date. She laughs.

We spy a dancing man that looks like a woman who is with a woman that looks like a man. We laugh together.

Deejer begins their set by sounding just like the band Tool. Tool is my favorite band, so I am floored by the raw glory of what I am hearing… for ten seconds. 'Twas at the end of those seconds that the lead singer does a 180 in the air and raises both hands in the air while nodding to the crowd with his eyes closed; the band begins their show.

All sporting black shirts, they fumble their way through every rock cliché known to man. This includes the "lean on the bassist" friendship move, the "look at the sky and shake awkwardly long hair out of eyes" nod, and the Scott Stapp patented "one foot on the monitor while hunched over and singing into the knee" superstar pose. So uniform and monotonous is their sound that the song played after "We'll slow it down for you guys" sounded just like the song played after "This song will seriously fuck you up." Sounding like a combination of Fuel, Incubus, 3 Doors Down, Nickelback, Default, and Creed makes them just mediocre enough to go all the way. Congratulations, guys.

Another margarita comes my way. Where once there was 5, now there is 1.

Then the two remaining girls at the table inform me that they are going to get a drink at the bar and will be right back. After about 10 minutes of me taking up a table meant for five by myself, the wait-staff and standing patrons were visibly annoyed. I was the, 'I Swear They Will Be Back' guy. I leave the table to a round of applause, presumably for the band, but likely for my humiliating exit.

I meet my roommate, the aforementioned girls, and a new girl at the bar. I ask my roommate who is sitting at the bar and flirting with the new girl, "Do you know what you are along with the two of them?" while pointing at the two girls that left the table earlier.

"What are we?"
"Three ass cheeks… making up a single ass, you ass."
"Sorry dude, everyone else was up here and I forgot."

It was about this time that a tattooed fellow next to my roommate pokes him and points at me. Roommate says just loud enough for me to hear him, "Save this guy's seat for a minute will yah?"
"OK."

Tattoo Boy thanks me and hurries off only to come back a moment later with Golf-Hat Boy. For a moment, Tattoo Boy just kind of looks at me; he is waiting for something.

"Thanks again for giving me your seat." I put forth that simple, half-hearted attempt at a joke and he gets all pissed. "I'm just kidding. Here, take it back."
"No, you keep it man." He is clearly trying to play off the anger that displayed itself a second before.
"It's ol'right. You were here first."
"I insist on it. You keep it."

Me - 1
Tattoo Boy - 0

Then Golf-Hat Boy begins talking to me. He literally carries a 45 minute conversation with me, BY HIS F***ING SELF. I can't believe it. I say perhaps 30 words in that time and he tells me about his deaf sister, plans of a career in legal interpretation for the deaf, conservative/liberal personalities, and the benefits of moving out of Texas to Oklahoma. He claims an academic resume littered with gifted and talented side-notes. I know this is bullcrap because his vocabulary is so terrible.

"Conservative and liberal is just on two different planarly levels, man."

By now, Tattoo Boy, my roommate, and the girls are gone somewhere else and I'm stuck with Golf-Hat Boy, who is now yelling over Deejer about something having to do with Washington D.C. and the only deaf collage in the world.

Me - 1
Tattoo Boy - 1

When Golf-Hat Boy explicitly expresses the need, nay, the requirement of his superior intellect to use such words like "planarly", I feel the need to remind him of the Orwellian rule to never use a large word when a little one will do. It went in one ear and out the other. I can tell that in reality, he just doesn't want to sound like a hick from Oklahoma, his home state. He claims to receive compliments from city-folk like, "You sound like you're from California" and "Man, you use such great words." With "credentials" (his word) like those, who needs to actually know what those words mean?

I leave him with a pat on the shoulder and a couple words of advice. "Stay humble. Don't lose your sense of humor."

He thinks this is brilliant and yells out, "That's what I'm talking about, man! That's like, the most important thing you said." I expected him to shed a tear, cum in his pants, and/or ask me on a date. I leave him, dumber.

Walking back to where my friends are, I notice Tattoo Boy schmoozing with his girlfriend who also happens to be the cocktail waitress that asked me if I was all alone at the table an hour before.

Me - 1
Tattoo Boy - 2

I hate you, Tattoo Boy.

By now, Deejer is finished playing their song and what is left of my original group is now sprawled out in a booth. Bar tenders inform us of closing time so we head downstairs, narrowly avoiding Golf-Hat Boy, who seems intent on talking in great depth with the 40 year old fat and bald sound manager. Perhaps he wasn't hitting on me earlier; he just really craves attention.

Outside, the weather is cool and clear. I love these nights. I like to just drive around with my sun-roof open and windows down. It is relaxing and for me, the only natural cure for a headache. It is while thinking about this that a short, big-boned, and ugly girl stumbles up to me from the street.

She leans in close and with what little grace there is in a drunken Baylor co-ed, she mumbles…

"I know this is really awkward, but I'm all out of cash. Can you loan me a dollar so that I can call a cab?"
"Well, that depends. You aren't homeless, are you? I hate those people."
She leans back and pulls up the left collar of her shirt. "I'm wearing Abercrombie and f***ing Fitch. What do you think?"
I think she is a stupid whore. I think she will be among the many Baylor Alumni in a few years. I think she doesn't need to be driving tonight. In a last ditch effort to release me from my last dollar, she adds that her credit cards are maxed out. Abercrombie and f***ing Fitch are no doubt the culprits.

Where there once was 1, now there is none.

She thanks me and I turn away. As soon as she is out of my peripheral vision, I ask my group, "What the hell was that all about?"

When "homeless" people ask me for money to buy food, I always seem to catch them later making their way to a gas station. Upon their arrival, they universally give the few bucks to a guy in a car, who then starts pumping gas. Out of habit, I glance back at the girl I gave my dollar to. The stupid whore is walking across the street… to a car.

"No… way."

She stops at a blue Honda Civic and opens the door.

"F*** you, bitch. F*** youuuuuu."

She starts the car and drives off, with my dollar. I was conned. I was bamboozled. I was robbed. I'm never trusting women again, unless they can boil for me a lobster.

Stupid, But Worthless

2005-01-17T01:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever tried to get out that last little bit of shampoo out of the bottle before facing the day, only to come up empty handed? That is how I feel right now when it comes to blogging. I'm fresh out of the good stuff. Oh sure… I could swirl some water in said bottle and loosen up that film stuck to the bottom, but you guys who oft read this thing deserve more.

I did some swirling last night and was about to create a post about 5 CD's you need to buy, but then I thought, "…..Lame……." That post will go into the trash, pronto. As I said, you guys deserve more than an attempt by yours truly to dazzle you with recognition of someone else's art.

Let's get back to why I am writing right now. I stayed up till about two o'clock this afternoon, replacing church with a healthy dose of the Food Network. Bam! Needless to say, I am less than tired tonight, which is a blessing considering the fact that there is no school tomorrow.

I am getting off subject a bit.

In my daily retrieval of readers' comments, I came across this one.

Dear Mike,

You have been chosen to recieve the SS9090 Blogger Award. I would have sent it to you in an e-mail, but your address isn't listed. You're only the second recipient of this award since most blogs suck (the worst blogs get sent a Blogger Demerit- a food stamp). Please send me an addres at silversurfer9090@aol.com to recieve it. And also an acceptance speech or blathering tyrade would be appreciated at silversurfer9090.blogspot.com

Thank You,
Norrin Radd

Looking at his blog reveals this picture and a post.

Click the picture to go to his blog.

Thoughts Of Mike is the recipient of the SS9090 Blogger Award.

Mike writes about a variety of subjects(a must for this award) and writes well about them. His life is a constant subject, and his observations are sharp and precisley aimed at their targets, no fat. I especially enjoy his "Velcro Shoes" post, and his updates on his participations in "Blogger Jihad". Plus, Mike makes me laugh! My only complaint would be Mike's updating is not very regular(my only complaint).

Congrats, Mike! We hope to hear from Mike as we did from past winner Kikkitsch (on his blog) and Blogger Demerit winner American Warmonger (here at SS9090).

Norrin, you spell checker, you… I don't know quite what to say, so I'll say what comes natural. You like Blog Jihad, so even though I'll be officially in violation of Blogger TOS, I think you'll give me a pass. You've been warned.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll start with the list of your interests on your Blogger profile page. You list…"Movies, DVDs, Music, Comics, Pro Wrestling, PS2, Chat Rooms"

Movies and DVDs? You gotta be puttin' me on.

Pro-Wrestling? Now I know you're pulling my leg.

Chat Rooms? You were serious the whole time, weren't you, dumb-ass?

You are seriously "interested" in movies and DVDs as two separate things, Pro-Wrestling, and Chat Rooms. That is more lame than a post about the 5 CD's you need to buy, all of which would be a great leap above Red Hot Chili Pepper's, Disturbed, and Slipknot; those are what you list among your favorite bands.

You criticize me for not updating often enough and then give me an award the next day. There is a reason people like you visit my blog and that people like me ignore yours. You tend to fill yours with something no one cares about, like posts about blog awards and demerits, things I might add, you are in no position to give considering the idiocy your blog churns out on a weekly basis. You gave the American Warmonger a demerit and the ensuing comment conversation is revealing.

In it, War Monger observes that "…your awards need some work. The face on the 100 bill could use some reeely serious work. The Rock is no longer cool."

I agree. If you are going to award someone like myself, give me something other than money with a fuck-face in the place of a founding father. That's alliteration. Read and learn. Seeing as how it is actually your gloided face on the bill, The Rock would be an improvement.

As you struggle to defend yourself against War Monger, you blurt out, "I have original ideas and concepts. Like smoking marijuana and writing reviews of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood reruns, distributing food stamps to the masses, etc. I wouldn't call what you're doing over there "revolutionary", hence... the food stamp. Besides, the only person I worry about entertaining is ME!!!"

Your ideas and concepts aren't original; they suck. If the only person you are worried about entertaining is yourself, why blog? That's like fucking for virginity. There are much less public ways of keeping only yourself entertained, like keeping a journal. Masturbation also works. You could even draw your own porn!

By the way, if you're actually entertained by your blog, you're easily entertained.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could go on and on, but writing that "tyrade" has done what I intended it to do. It has made me sleepy. I'll go ahead and give my acceptance speech now.

Thank you for the award, even though receiving it was about as worthless to me as the Superfriends are to Superman.

You can quote me on that.

I'm Back

2005-01-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

I am surprised that there are still people visiting this thing. After weeks of no updates, I passed the 3,000 hit barrier. I guess that means I have to start posting again. I don't think I'll wage Blog-Jihad for a while. Some girl from Dallas asked for a comment, and while my Flog to her probably made her cry, it was only mildly satisfying.

I went to a small party over the Christmas break and saw some High School buddies I hadn't seen in a couple of years. While the Coor's Lite was kind of gross, it was cool to talk with them again. One of them was a girl I had a big crush on; I don't think we would make a good couple now.

My grand-parents and their adopted son came down from Montana also to celebrate Christmas and the New Year. He is 16 and I seriously doubt they both will see him celebrate his 19th birthday. Cigarettes are killers. Seriously.

I got XM Radio. In 10 years, if FM radio doesn't change to something better, XM and Sirius will kill it. The difference is astounding. You get clear sound, deep play-lists, and uncensored content. Basically, you get to hear lots of different people say "fuck" really clearly. I heard a really good William Shatner song on it yesterday. That’s how much it rules.

I'll have more posts coming soon, probably expounding upon these topics. Maybe that's what I'll do, who knows?

Blogger: Most Pan-faced (HM)

2004-12-08T13:15:00.000-08:00

I checked my E-Mail today and found this message. I'm in trouble for Blog-Jihad.

Hi there,

We are writing to you in regards to your blog and your activity on Blogspot. We have received numerous complaints about you and your account. Users have reported, and you have also stated in your blog that you are abusing our NextBlog and commenting features to increase the page rank and readership of your blog. This behavior is not looked upon favorably. We would like to ask you to cease this behavior.

Please refer to the Blogger Terms of Service:

http://www.blogger.com/terms.g

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Sincerely,
Blogger Support

I read the Terms of Service and found that I am in violation according to Section 4...

You agree to not use the Service to: (a) upload, post or otherwise transmit any Content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortious, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, libelous, invasive of another's privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically or otherwise objectionable; (b) harm minors in any way; (c) impersonate any person or entity, including, but not limited to, a Pyra official, forum leader, guide or host, or falsely state or otherwise misrepresent your affiliation with a person or entity...

I can only imagine what the Blogger Police look like.

While I would normally take this notification seriously, I don't know how I can when there is this sophomoric line in there as well.

...Except as expressly authorized by Pyra or advertisers, you agree not to modify, rent, lease, loan, sell, distribute or create derivative works based on the Service or the Software, in whole or in part.

This is the all-caps part:

12. DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTIES YOU EXPRESSLY UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT: (a) YOUR USE OF THE SERVICE IS AT YOUR SOLE RISK. THE SERVICE IS PROVIDED ON AN "AS IS" AND "AS AVAILABLE" BASIS. Pyra EXPRESSLY DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, WHETHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY...

This is the all-caps part? Are you kidding me? Any organization that would put something like that in their Terms of Service, written in "legalise", at least deserves honorable mention for "most pan-faced."

I am also aware that some people didn't like my flogs, but the Mongos over there at Blogger need to be aware of the many folks who enjoyed them. Here they are...

JustAgirl said...
Hi there, I just wanted to say that whatever the hell you're doing ("spamming" bloggers on their AIM, leaving "weird" comments on blogs) it seems to be getting people to your blog and reading your stuff. Congratulations!!

Miss Margo said...
I love it!!! Over reaction amuses me so! I went to go read pitiful Eric's blog, but it is gone. You fool, you had free advertising and blew it!

Steve said...
Wow, Mike...you've sure made alot of friends! ;-)

Ever considered buying a bullet-proof vest? Looks like you're a pretty popular guy! Sorry, just b/s-ing. I liked the piece. I thought it was inspirational, except for the b/s at the end, which I think I'd have left off. But, different strokes for different folks!

Hang in there!

Kun said...
hehe you did good.. interesting made me whip out my dictionary to find out the meanings of the words... :)

stitches said...
you're funny.
you left me a comment earlier and I checked out your blog, then I just left. leaving NO comment. I didnt waste my time then, but now I am...after all it is friday afternoon and all I HAVE is time to waste ~untill 5:00.
I like your thinking outside the box. I bet the counter comments are, as halarious as when your lying in bed at night worrying about the hits on your blog. HAHAAA.

Catherine said...
Ahaha! You are a genius! I LOVE your blog and I love your random comments! (Or perhaps I have missed the point altogether and I should be pissed off like everyone else?) Anyhow, keep up the random commenting!

Robin S. said...
I personally didn't mind the random comment. I liked it for three reasons.

1. Hey, you read my blog. So my life can't be all THAT boring. lol. Or maybe you didn't even bother reading, and just posted your comment right off the bat. If that's the case... hey, I still got a hit. lol.

2. It made me laugh. Laughter is good.

3. By making me laugh, you distracted me from my morbid boredom for approximately ten seconds. Soon thereafter, I became curious and wanted to see who this random poster was, which lead me to read your blog and leave this comment. That distracted me from my boredom as well.

We need more random people like you in the world. lol. Thanks and keep on truckin'.

cassandra said...
I've been doing the same thing! It's hilarious if you're doing it. Keep it up!

Gina said...
wow....somebody on the other side of the world commented on my blog...i found that interesting, even though you didnt really make it relevant..hmmmm...
anyway, i dont think that people are offended by the randomness of your comments, its just that theyre random is why theyre reaplying..i mean, i was expecting it to be a comment from one of my friends..and then its you. a texan that i have never met before..
anyway, i liked your picture...

Robert LP said...
Ok dude, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think it was weird that you're going around posting comments to other people's blogs, but, I like weirdos. Carry on.

SubEtha said...
I love evil genius.
If you are ever in Illinois, drop me a line, I will buy you beers and we will laugh at idiots.

Jå§èN said...
hey! thanks for that hilarious comment! lol... anyways, hope to see you soon with more laughter posted on my blog!

Dorothy said...
Oh my goodness! How could someone be so uptight so as to be angered when you leave a comment on their blog? I don't think I ever laughed so hard as I did at the comment you posted to me the other day. Thanks for a great big laugh.

robadair said...
thanks for the complement; beezlebubba is a good friend...if only you were serious.... stay cool and never change....peace. rob

Beleobus said...
If you're looking for more interesting places to leave some random comments, the revenge of the ruber chicken would welcome another sadistic comedian.

JL said...
Hmm, I just saw your random comment because you commented on the spinoff blog of my blog. But you said something nice so I'll keep believing you really do love my blog. :-) Back at ya babe. I'm a girl so you can continue to love me.

celibateinthecity.blogspot.com

Wskygrl said...
JUst came to say thanks for giving me a cheers! You liked my blog.
Send me a few of your favorites that you have done... and we can quid pro quo.

Neichiepoo said...
great blog

Samurai said...
I found it rather amusing, in an annoying sort of way. Still, is a unique way to achive a higher hit count. And for that, I give you congrats...

Besides, it is an interesting read. Something that can't be said of some of your blogs (Or mine, for that matter).

Arson said...
hahahahaaaaa......awesome fucking awesome.

~A~ said...
Hmm. Geraldine's not too swift, is she?

That sign's a riot. That brains are not theirs, either, apparently. Love your Blog -- very articulate and very funny.

(Oh, and btw, you're safe with the silver utensils.)

Mr. Muskrat said...
Heh. Pretty funny stuff. I'm mildly amused. You're a tad too self-satisfied perhaps, but your sense of humour is in the right place. I like the forged document idea. I might have to use that one.

duckie said...
funny shit man. I'm tempted to counter insult just to get a reply. I'll be back.

Mark said...
Thanks for the look-see. Your site looks great. Just starting out here. Could use a little help if you ever get a moment: how do I add Links to the basic black Blogger template?? WOuld love to add yours and others, and i see yours has them.

Anyways------cheers!

msp0513@aol.com

Mario Giordani said...
Ha...this blog is awsome...can't get enough of it.
I must agree on the Edwards thing. If he can't keep a simple rule during an interview, how can he help run a country like ours? Lots of talk to get elected as VP. Same o same o. Different day. Keep up the great work. I will be sure to visit often.

http://gettrafficordie.blogspot.com

Mario

eska said...
hello. thank you for the comment. i'm amazed that my blog can actually impress people.

JustAgirl said...
I must admit I like your style, going to other blogs and talking shit and then having people visit your blog in return, read your stuff and leave a comment. Very refreshing! Oh, and I liked the joked, made me laugh. So when are you coming by my blog to talk some trash??

Glocker said...
I love your blog. Check mine out at glocker31.blogspot.com

Heh...

All kidding aside...some nice thoughts in your post.

Elizabeth said...
I like your blog, too. And no, I have no desire to hug a cactus as you had recommended the first time you visited my blog, because there aren't any huggable ones within a hundred mile radius of where I live. Or maybe huggable cacti simply do not exist. Oh, but what do I know; I'm in my pajamas.

I did visit your blog a couple of days ago out of curiosity after that (I thought funny) insulting comment. I knew it might be something like wanting to get folks to visit you here, which is fine by me. But I didn't expect to see you back again to mine, and was rawther surprised. So here's my comment to your comment which should have been a comment from the previous comment.
Regards,

Elizabeth

The Editor said...
Your blog has left me joyously bewildered and confused. I feel like a sentient fingernail nestled in a pail of rotting ground meat, completely aware that it is being observed by Upton Sinclair for inclusion in his book "The Jungle." I'll be sure to visit precipitously.

heitshe said...
Hi,

Thanks for your comment. I did not expect any comment from anyone. I went through glancingly one or two of your postings. It is interesting and meaningful. I will go through more of them in depth and will comment.
I notice that you are a student. I was connected with education 18 years back as an asst. prof. Libra is my sign also. What a coincidence!

Travis said...
A very thoughtful post. Actually, I was surprised after reading one of your random comments on a friend's blog. I really resonate with the following statement: "One shouldn't sell religion, but one ought to live it." I whole-heartedly agree!

kitm said...
I like your little blog advertising trick. I might have to try it myself.

Do you actually read the sites you go to? Or is it like so many other things insincere spam?

kitm

WaterGirl said...
Hey, I just read your post about "if you've come for revenge", and now Im not sure if you were being sarcastic about my blog, because you said in ur post that people come to complain that you made fun of them and how they only write about their day at school. This is what I normally do, lol, but whatever I think your blog is hillaryous and I hope you enjoyed looking at mine, even if it was just cuz you were laughing at me. :)
-Hillary

Jules said...
Thanks for commenting on my blog...
I like your blog a lot...
The entries are very well written and you make valid points...

Keep up the great work,
Jules

bram said...
helo mike :) .. nice blogs too and thanks to visit my brahmana.blogspot.com .. c u

Sub-Random Personified said...
This is a very good blog. In fact, it's too good. I may have to have you killed. When the ninjas arrive, be warned that struggling only makes it worse.

In the mean time, however, I am going to have to check back here regularly. Keep up the good work. At least until you're dead.

skokieswift said...
hey! nice blog! thnx for visiting my blogspot too. :)

Andrea said...
I didn't know Rodney had passed on, but I found this quote on my own page of all places and I thought it would be appropriate.

- "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."

-- Rodney Dangerfield

btw, thank you for your comment on my site. I often wonder what people think of my posts.

Have a good day.

Moline said...
Real Nice Blog glad you linked it! Mine is sea-to-sea.blogspot.com

Stefanie said...
Lol. I had no idea that Rodney Dangerfield passed away, but hilarious tribute nonetheless. Very nice blogger; I might drop by every once in a while for a good read. :)

laser cub said...
to reward your shrewd marketing campaign and thoughtful blog i'm adding you to my links. expect your hit count to increase by at least two a month.

Sephoria said...
You ARE a flogger. Fun, isn't it?

Jet said...
thanks for visiting my blog ^__^. now I have a new blog to visit yay~

Darp said...
The official shoe of the Special Olympics?

You've sold me!

Where can I get a pair?

KANEreaction said...
Im glad you enjoy my spot! How did you run across it?

Kambiz Kamrani said...
hey hey, i'm kambiz and followed your blog thru the comment you left for me here. I also really like your blog too, hahah, especially your digust with "Rice Rockets"! Amen to that. I'm glad you publicized it. I also want say my apologize to the cds you lost because all of those bands are awesome. Anyways, I'll surely add you and check up on your blog. Hope you do the same.

Phase 3 said...
Your blog rawks. I *heart* it

sweetedna said...
I don't know who u are, and posting a comment in my blog was a surprising one. Anyhow, thanx for the effort

Susan Abraham said...
Hello Redhairblueface,

Thanks for that line on my book review entry, (www.suzanabrams.blogspot.com) whatever, it meant! I like your blog! Cheers!

The Weblog Review

2004-11-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, my blog was reviewed by The Weblog Review. I signed up for a review months ago and it has finally arrived. Here it is...

Upon first opening Thoughts of Mike and finding a picture of a dog, I figured that I would be reading yet another "things I did today" blog. Instead I was pleasantly surprised. Mike's thoughts encompass a wide range of topics.

Mike is a 22 Yr. old student who also works at a local deli as a delivery driver. This author posts about whatever happens to interest him. He comments on mundane everyday occurrences with a dry wit that is reminiscent of Seinfeld. In a post about purchasing shampoo he says, "I'm trying to find the one that says 'Dirty Hair.' It doesn't exist. Shampoo now does everything from color to curl, except clean. Where is the shampoo for me? The one that just says, Cleans hair real good." In a post about car features, the author laments about not being able to find the "Automatic Detonation Feature" that all cars in movies appear to have. Probably his most entertaining posts come from his experiences as a delivery driver. He describes the joys of delivering to a local gentleman's club and contrasts that with his many deliveries to nursing home employees.

A bit disconcerting is this writer's participation in "Blog Jihad" where he visits other sites using Blogger's "Next Blog" feature and leaves random and sometimes insulting comments on the blog he happens to land on. He openly posts about this practice and invites the retaliatory visits and comments he receives. He admittedly does this to up his own hit counter. It is a shame that he resorts to this, as his content would stand on its own.

The site uses a standard Blogger template. While I normally dislike a black background, as it is sometimes hard on the eyes, Mike uses pictures effectively to break up the white on black monotony. In fact, his pictures enhance many of his posts. The previously mentioned dog pictures are Mike's proof that the dog in question is actually an alien. Archives go back to June of this year and the site includes the standard links one finds on most sites.

Overall, Thoughts of Mike is an entertaining read. The blog could be improved with more regular updates. I am sure Mike has more thoughts than he has time to post. Perhaps a little less time spent on his "Blog Jihad" would allow him more time to update. I plan to check back with Mike to see what is on his mind in the future.

My blog was reviewed by someone named Sagent. Sagent felt I deserved a 3.5 out of 5. I feel I deserve better and a second review by someone with a mind more open to Blog Jihad, a practice I haven't done in a while, would yield better results. Oh well, someone who hasn't the slightest clue of who I am seemed to like most of it, so I am happy enough.

The Alien Dog

2004-11-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

Meet Ellie-Mae, Ellie for short.

I had the pleasure of keeping, along with my roommates, this pooch for a day. She is possibly the nicest dog I have ever met, and I have met bunches. She would never bite and is the perfect size. She can comfortably lie down next to you on the couch, but doesn't make men feel inadequate on a leash.

She is an excellent guard dog. When Ben showed up at home late one night, as in 3:00AM, she barked and growled at him until I came out of my room and made it clear that he was friend, not foe.

She sheds lightly and stays clean easily. She does not crap in the house nor does she piss on dirty clothes. She is great and I am jealous of her owner, or should I say, I was jealous. Upon scratching her belly, I noticed some foreign markings.

Really, it resembles a tattoo more so than anything else. Here is a close up of the "tattoo."

This is what it looks like when drawn out on MS Paint.

After I realized the shape, I knew that I had seen it before. It took me a while to realize where, but I was astonished to find out that it actually was an exact replica of part of a crop circle I had seen out on the outskirts of Dublin, Ireland. Take a look at this…

I am left with only one possible conclusion. This dog is an alien. How else can I explain the strange mark on her belly? How can I explain her strangely superb behavior? How can I explain the aura-like light surrounding her on the picture at the top of this post? How, people? How?

Let's Talk About Vandalism

2004-11-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

First, let me give a shout-out to my main man, the evil genius, the dumb chimp, the cocky Texas swaggerer himself, George W. Bush. Congratulations, fool.

Now, let's talk about vandalism. I have seen it on the sides of fences, trains, and even people. It comes in many forms. Sometimes it comes in the form of an addition, like tagging with spray paint. For most of the time it is just destructive. A baseball bat being taken to mailboxes is popular. Drive by shooting with pellet guns reached a peak during the early 90's.

The weapon of choice today, in my neighborhood, is the classic, Dr. Martin boot. In the right hands, or should I say, on the right feet, they are capable of massive amounts of damage. I have a feeling that the fucktards who live across the hall wear such a boot, and wear it proudly they do. So proud they are of their boots that they kick the walls, leaving the distinctive rectangle and round "X" imprints.

Click the pictures to enlarge.

They started small.

Gradually, they improved technique.

After technique was perfected, bravery had to be taken to the next level.

Bravery and technique together produce disastrous results.

They then hit my apartment.

After feeling like they had done all that they could with a wall and a boot, they decided to see what would happen when a car was kicked instead of a wall.

I am a staunch defender of private property. While I do not own the walls or the car that were sacrificed in the name of stupor, I think that these people doing this need to go to jail for ruining someone else's stuff.

I have seen the inside of the McClennon County Correctional Facility. It isn't nice. Kicking your way out of it isn't really an option. Kick too often and you will be stripped naked, put in a padded room, and forced to shit into a small hole in the ground. I have seen the hole. We can only hope that sooner or later, out of anger for getting caught, they will be kicking their own asses for acting like drunken retards that have just had their ice cream taken.

For Whom To Vote...

2004-11-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

While I defended George W. Bush in my last post, I found this audio clip online, which in my opinion, is indefensable.

Click here to listen...

"And tonight I have a message for the people of Iraq. Go home and die."

Brought to you by...

Ladies and Gentlemen: I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.

Because you people, and by "you people," I mean sixty percent of Democrats voting for Kerry, want anyone except Bush, I'll make a suggestion. Vote for me.

Before you vote, let me give you some reasons to vote for me.

I enjoy a good beer once in a while, changing the oil in my car, and seeing women naked. I like watching movies. I rarely make my bed. I'm a celebrity in my own mind. I am not funny. I am awkward around good looking girls. I am looking into purchasing a large belt buckle that celebrates Texas. I enjoy driving. I like rock and roll. My head itches right now. I have a small vocabulary. I am in debt because I couldn't tell my ex-girlfriend, "You can't have that." I don't like large parties. I am ticklish. I struggle with foreign languages. I dream about putting Clear Channel out of business. Some of the clothes in my closet are 7 years old. If you can run a mile in the amount of time it takes me to shower, you would be holding a world record. I have never hit anyone in the face. I own several books that I have never read. I used to own two cats, but they are probably dead now, probably because I didn't really care that much about them. The ceilings in my apartment are 20 feet tall. I believe in quality, not quantity, unless we're talking about money. I have nearly a dozen colognes in my bathroom. I enjoy cooking for people. I over-promise and under-deliver. My favorite sandwich is a Rueben. I am bored. I own a razor that has 4 blades. I am looking at unpaid bills. I am listening to my roommate struggle with Halo. I suck at chess. I cuss, a lot. I run a blog that will be graded by The Weblog Review in a week or so. I am a tool. I am receiving wages of seven dollars an hour for services rendered at Jason's Deli of Waco and I am running for President.

I look like a 22 year old John Stevens.

So this year, vote Mike.

I am not George W. Bush.

Bush: A Defense

2004-10-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

A co-worker of mine has some grievances with President Bush. As a Bush supporter, I grow tired of the standard "Bush lied, people died" and "Bush did Cocaine" arguments against him. I also still don't see how those arguments somehow translate into a vote for Kerry. She however, is in the unique position of going to school and working at home while her husband is fighting in Iraq. I take her complaints against the administration more seriously than I do most other people.

I made her a deal. She would make a list of complaints against Bush and I would respond to them. I have until midnight tonight to complete it, so if I do not cover every issue as much as I should, that's why.

So, without further delay, here we go…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Section 1 - Foreign Policy

1- What about the August 6th report?

Could 9-11 have been prevented? Maybe. I certainly wish it would have been. Bush received a daily report on August 6th, 2001 that said, "Al Quida determined to attack in US." Those reports are more or less standard. Not every one can be fully investigated, especially due to the bureaucratic and separated nature of the FBI at the time, a problem greatly reduced thanks to the oft criticized Patriot Act.

The fact is that there was nothing special about that report until it was the one that actually came true. If everyday I told a person that they were going to be in a car accident, that prediction would only be significant at the time and to whatever extent the accident happened. As an FBI agent personally told me yesterday, "The terrorists only have to be right once while we have to be right 100% of the time." The September 11th attack wasn't Bush's fault. The fault lies with the people that hijacked the planes and crashed them into our buildings.

2- Where is Osama? Was the Iraq war a diversion from him?

He is a tough man to find. He might be dead, but probably he lives a nearly invisible life on some of the harshest terrain on the planet. We are looking for him. We are using the resources available to try to find him. 75% of his network has been captured or killed and the rest is so scattered that they would have a very tough time regaining power in the region.

I am not sure if the Iraq war is a diversion from him, but I doubt it. I will say this. The idea that we as a military force cannot be in two places at once, or shouldn't start one job until all others are finished assumes that we can't handle the load. We can. We can't be everywhere all the time, but we surely can be in Afghanistan, which just had their first election by the way, and Iraq, which will have the first real election in a long, long time.

3- Where are the WMD's?

You're right. We haven't found them. Everyone looked at the evidence gathered and decided that they were probably there, including the man to whom your vote is going, John Kerry. After twelve years of UN violations, an attack at home by Al Quida terrorists, and Saddam giving 25,000 dollars to the families of suicide bombers that kill Americans, Bush decided to act on the evidence. You might be saying in your head, "But what about France and Germany?" I would guess that their reservations with the issue had more to do with the pipelines of illegal money connected to the UN Oil for Food Program than anything else.

Remember, WMD's were not the only reason we went into Iraq. It was an issue, surly, but the overriding purpose of us going into Iraq was the bring peace, stability, and democracy to a region sorely lacking in such things we take for granted. We did that by taking out the leadership in Iraq. This is a leadership that used chemical weapons against the Shiite Muslims in southern Iraq years ago, causing an environmental disaster and giving the poor marshland dwelling people there to have genetic problems for the rest of the foreseeable future. The people in this region we merely related to political dissenters. I could go on and on about the horrors of Saddam, but I'm sure everyone is familiar with them already, and since I just ate… well, I don't want to think about some of them.

4- Now that we are committed, what about the long deployments? How does this affect morale?

In short, the extended tours are required in this situation. I don't doubt that one's morale would drop when one learns of an extended tour. It does not make sense though to pull out troops before the job is finished. This would prolong the overall conflict, especially in Iraq, where if too many of our troops are pulled civil war would surely break out. This wouldn't honor our promise to the Iraqi people and it would only force us to go back later and deal with a whole new set of problems including warlords and increased terrorist activity.

Section 2 - Domestic Environmental Policy

5- I don't like the Clear Skies Act because it causes us to import things we might otherwise make ourselves, what say you to that?

Well, I am not too familiar with this Act, but from what I understand, it reduces the legal amount of toxins released into the air from factories and whatnot. There is always a balance to environmental policy and economic policy. One thing that historically is not paid by the producers of materials is the indirect costs to the local community in the form of pollution and waste. By reducing the legal amount of waste emitted by those doing the producing, they will have to change production methods. This is nothing new, and I don't even necessarily agree with it. One thing is certain though. Americans seem to be uniquely capable of adaptation to changing circumstances. Production lines will adapt to governmental regulations and things will come back to equilibrium soon enough.

6- What about the raised levels of arsenic in water?

Bill Clinton, during his last days, proposed a new standard of acceptable amounts of arsenic in drinking water. 50 parts arsenic per billion parts water was the standard before and during most of Clinton's terms. He proposed lowering that standard to 10 parts arsenic per billion (ppb) parts water. Bush, after getting into office put the proposal on hold to review the costs and benefits of such a mandate on water producers and consumers. After reviewing trends of arsenic and cancer, the Bush administration adopted the proposal.

Enforcing this though, costs money and these costs are put on us the consumer. Some are not happy with the 10 ppb standard and want something closer to 3 ppb. I think that many will not be satisfied until there is 0 ppb. This is simply unfeasible, as the cost of 3 ppb in many communities would double the amount normally incurred at 50 ppb. While the ability to adapt is great with American businesses, they are not infinitely adaptable. So what did Bush do in light of all the health and economic issues at stake? He compromised. He looked at Clinton's suggestion, decided after reviewing the studies that 10 ppb was sufficiently clean, and that’s where we are now. Water is cleaner than it was, but maybe not as clean as some want it. Oh well. You can't please everyone all of the time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, there you go. I hope that answers some of your questions. While comments are welcome, don't expect me to spend my time trying to answer every (read: any) critic that I'm sure will come out of the woodwork.

Read To The End

2004-10-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about headphones. It is a little known fact that headphones can provide an absolutely sublime listening experience over a broad array of musical persuasions. Although they will only be able to play back music as well as can the source (i.e. CD Player, MD Player, MP3 Player, ect…), a good pair will allow one to hear things in one's music that likely has never heard by the listener before.

I have had this experience. Three years ago I bought a pair of Grado SR-60's, and my personal listening has not been the same since. They have garnered legendary status among audiophiles, able to reproduce nearly any humanly audible sound with the greatest of ease. When attached to my sonically soft portable CD Player, I am frequently blown away.

All of this packaged greatness though, comes at a price. They are huge. They are old looking. They are, in a word, ugly. Within the comfort of my own room, I don't mind at all. In fact, their largeness allows the foam disks to cover my ears comfortably and keep them warm, to boot! Outside the sanctity of my apartment though, they last about five seconds before I catch my reflection looking back at me, corded ear-muffs atop his head. They promptly come off.

I would like to enjoy my music for the fifteen minutes it takes me to walk to class and for the hour break I have on Mondays and Fridays. I would though, also not like to look around and see several Alpha's pointing and giggling as I sing along to whatever it is I'm listening to. They would whisper, "Look there girls, he sings like shit and looks the same with those vintage headphones!" Dumb bitches. They don't need to whisper. I'm listening and singing to music through headphones, cunts.

Normally, I am not vane. In reality, I couldn't care less if a few blondes in wool skirts were to point at my headphones and giggle to themselves. True enough, it wouldn't help me have sex with any of them if their first impression of me consists of me softly singing, "...everyone's a little queer, why can't she be a little straight? I'm dumb, she's a lesbian..." Never the less, if that’s how they would judge people, I don't want any part of them. On the other hand, these Grado's are huge and breakable. I needed something small and durable. With these conflicting interests in mind, to Target I went.

In my search for portability and affordability, I found these.

Philips Surround Sound Black Earbuds - HE591

I'll get to the real point now.

These headphones are absolutely terrible. Not only are they uncomfortable, they sound horrendously bad. After about five minutes of listening, I have to check my ears for bleeding. After ten, I seriously start to consider taking my gun to Target and demanding a refund.

The bass is muddy and overbearing. The midrange is distant and unclean. Treble is all but nonexistent. Overall response is all over the map. If by, "Surround Sound," they mean, "Sound Goes in Both Ears," they hit the nail right on the head. Put this in perspective, though. This standard can be met by virtually ALL headphones. I don't need to spend twenty dollars for that when I can find headphones that surround me with 2-channel sound at any Lost And Found in Waco. Headphones that meet this standard are the rule, Philips, not your exceptional invention.

Needless to say, I wasted my money on these, and now I want to give them away, to one of you.

Yes, dear readers, to whoever gives me the best comment describing why you ought to have them, I shall gift. Although I will charge shipping and handling fees, the product is nearly new, fully functional, and includes the gay little translucent and black carrying case only a trendy jerk would actually use.

I use PayPal.

So comment away, fuckers. Give me something good in terms of a comment, some shipping money, and I will give you a couple of pieces of crap produced by Philips in return.

Yes, I wear Velcro shoes

2004-10-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

You can't step to these, so don't even try.

I bought some new work shoes and even though I get some flack from my managers, I can take it, for the following reasons.

1 - It is a joke. I can tie my shoes and I know they are ugly, so fuck off.

2 - Wearing them allows me to rebel against the Fop I work with. His vanity is astounding. Normally, I let it go and try to ignore it, but ever since he started wearing sunglasses indoors to look "cute," I have decided he deserves mention. So, take that, Fop. Take your cute lace-up boots and shove it.

3 - They were cheap as shit. If they get wet and start to smell, I can just throw them away and get more. Total = $10.84.

4 - They are the official shoe of the Special Olympics.

Did I mention they are great for Lawn-Bowling?

Rodney Dangerfield

2004-10-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

Rodney Dangerfield has passed on. He didn't know it while he was alive, but my roommates and I have given him respect for the last 4 months.

Rest in peace, funny man.

Its Official: Edwards Sucks!

2004-10-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Three reasons why John Edwards sucks...

1 - He wastes my time.

MODERATOR: "Senator Edwards, new question to you, and you have two minutes to respond.

Part of what you have said and Senator Kerry has said that you are going to do in order to get us out of the problems in Iraq is to internationalize the effort. Yet French and German officials have both said they have no intention even if John Kerry is elected of sending any troops into Iraq for any peacekeeping effort. Does that make your effort or your plan to internationalize this effort seem kind of naive?"

EDWARDS: "Well, let's start with what we know. What we know is that the president and the vice president have not done the work to build the coalition that we need -- dramatically different than the first Gulf War. We know that they haven't done it, and we know they can't do it.

They didn't, by the way, just reject the allies going into lead- up to the war. They also rejected them in the effort to do the reconstruction in Iraq, and that has consequences.

What we believe is, as part of our entire plan for Iraq -- and we have a plan for Iraq. They have a plan for Iraq too: more of the same.

We have a plan for success. And that plan includes speeding up the training of the military. We have less than half of the staff that we need there to complete that training.

Second, make sure that the reconstruction is sped up in a way that the Iraqis see some tangible benefit for what's happening.

And by the way, if we need to, we can take Iraqis out of Iraq to train them. It is not secure enough. It's so dangerous on the ground that they can't be trained there. We can take them out of Iraq for purposes of training.

We should do whatever has to be done to train the Iraqis and to speed up that process.

That works in conjunction with making sure the elections take place on time.

Right now, the United Nations, which is responsible for the elections in January, has about 35 people there. Now, that's compared with a much smaller country like East Timor, where they had over 200 people on the ground.

You need more than 35 people to hold an election in Cleveland, much less in Iraq. And they keep saying the election's on schedule, this is going to happen.

The reality is we need a new president with credibility with the rest of the world and who has a real plan for success. Success breeds contribution, breeds joining the coalition.

Not only that, I want to go back to what the vice president said. He attacks us about the troops. They sent 40,000 American troops into Iraq without the body armor they needed. They sent them without the armored vehicles they needed. While they were on the ground fighting, they lobbied the Congress to cut their combat pay. This is the height of hypocrisy."

Do you know what that is? That is John Edwards dodging questions.

It took him all that time to look like a dumb-ass when he could have just said, "Yeah, thats a toughie. We will have to cross that bridge when we get to it."

2 - He is condescending.

EDWARDS: "...Now, as to this question, let me say first that I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that they're willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her. It's a wonderful thing. And there are millions of parents like that who love their children, who want their children to be happy."

I am surprised Cheney didn't stab Edwards in the neck with an arm of his glasses at this comment. I would have at least said, "Look asshole, I don't know how you do things where you're from, but we love our children unconditionally. For you to act at all surprised at the fact that I love my gay daughter indicates to me that you're a bigot. How about you take what's left of your dignity and fuck off?"

3 - He is a cheater.

MODERATOR: "...picking up on that, you both just sang the praises of the tops of your ticket.

Without mentioning them (George W. Bush or John Kerry) by name at all, explain to us why you are different from your opponent..."

EDWARDS: "Mr. Vice President, we were attacked. But we weren't attacked by Saddam Hussein. And one thing that John Kerry and I would agree with you about is that it is..."

MODERATOR: "You just used John Kerry's name."

EDWARDS: "Oh, I'm sorry. I broke the rule."

If John Edwards were not so busy making sure his hair has a perfect part all the time, maybe he would be able to pay more attention to the questions. Cheney clearly won this debate. Of course, I watched it on the Fox News channel, so perhaps you guys can tell me who actually won.

Shawn Cuthill

2004-09-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

Let me explain politics to you people. You want to know what politics is? It is the cultivation of the containment of conflict, or so my professors say. Any time we participate in the noble act of compromise, talk, and peaceful resolution, we are participating in politics. When politicians do this in the body politick, they are participating in the political process, in which they contain conflict in a chaotic, circular, and human environment that has no discernable beginning or end. How they act is determined by them interpreting events through a transitive interaction, attaching meaning to their interpretation, and acting on the meaning they have assigned.

Are my readers confused yet?

I hope so. If not, at the very least, we probably have a different idea of what the above paragraph actually means. I have done this for a reason. Recently, a friend of mine and I have partaken in the cheap entertainment called, BlogJihad. We click next on the Blogger Navbar and post a random, insulting comment to each blog we find. Each time a comment is left, that is called a Flogging. I have written on this before.

Anyway, Keith flogged another man by the name of Shawn Cuthill. I believe this to be his name because his blog can be found under the URL www.shawncuthill.com. Shawn, you see is a Christian and his blog is a testament to the history of heavy-handed ministry performed by some Christians. I can accept this, to a point. His rhetoric though, is filled with words like sin, forgiveness, and salvation.

I don't even mind the use of these words, but Shawn, c'mon; do be aware of your audience. Words like sin, forgiveness, and salvation have a vastly different meaning to you and me than they do to an agnostic like Keith without a firm belief of the Christian conception of God. He thinks Jesus spent many years in the far-east learning Buddhism. I'm pretty sure he is wrong, but who knows these things for sure. The fact is, trying to minister to people using a vocabulary that has a different meaning to them than it does to you is pointless. I tried to explain such in this comment.

"If I were to say that I did 500 pounds of potatoes at work yesterday, you would have no clue as to what I was talking about. My co-workers on the other hand would. The same is true when you talk about judgment, sin, and forgiveness. Until you are willing to bend a little, those words will not have the same meaning to you as they do to those you are ministering to."

He has not replied.

His use of these confusing terms only upset me a little. This comment upset me a lot…

"Do you believe in God, Jesus, the Bible? What would it take for you to believe?"

Now, readers, picture a shifty eyed car-salesman holding a Bible in a jewel adorned hand. Picture him saying, "Do you believe in God, Jesus, the Bible? What would it take for you to believe?"

For my non-Christian readers, are you offended yet? You ought to be. One shouldn't sell religion, but one ought to live it. One ought not push God, but one should just try to explain Him to those wanting to listen.

I left this comment on his blog.

"On your blogger profile page, under occupation, you put down "professional Bible thumper." For what purpose do you bruise people with a good message? Your ham-fisted approach to missions makes our whole religion look bad. That's right... I am myself a Christian. I also make a conscious effort to not browbeat my friends with my faith. Like I have said, I have seen what happens when people do that and it isn't pretty. Friendships are lost, enemies are made, and converting enemies went out of style in the 15th century."

He hasn't replied.

We as Christians do a horrible disservice to the teachings of Christ when we take this approach to conversion. Bragging about being a "professional Bible thumper" polarizes you from you community. I can tell that Shawn is sufficiently polarized from his community because he claims to have given out over 2,000 literature packets, to the effect of 5 salvations. That’s a .25% success rate. Maybe a change of method is in order.

Shawn, does the sign outside of your church look something like this?

I hope not. It is uninviting, kind of like you.

Let's look back at my purposefully confusing paragraph at the beginning. It assumes a vast common knowledge of the "political process" from my readers and condescends those readers lacking in such a knowledge. If I were to talk to everyone in that manner, I would be ostracized from my community and banished from the land. Forever.

That's why I try to write like I have been for the last half-an-hour. I try not to separate myself from my readers. When I speak, I try not to separate myself from those listening.

So Shawn, this is my advice to you. Rethink your volatile and adversarial methods of ministry. It confuses, polarizes, and condescends. Savvy?

For Cari

2004-09-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

I would like to dedicate this post, to Cari H. You know who you are. I sent you a link to here a few days ago. The reason, I'll admit, was a little unusual. Let me explain. I have a very real suspicion that good deeds so oft go unnoticed. Lately I have been writing letters to restaurants and chain stores after a particularly good experience. Evidence this seldom happens is evident in the reply letters, which are actually typed out. Reply letters to complaints are usually-always canned.

This though, is for you. You, like the recipients of various letters I have sent out, have gone so far above and beyond any possible expectations, I feel the need to thank you in front of hundreds of strangers, here on my blog.

Thank you.

At my mere mention of having a class you once attended, you offered me your notes. We arranged for me to pick them up at your house. When you found out you couldn't be there at the point in time of my arrival, you offered to leave where you were, go back home, and then deliver them to me. Were you offering a couple torn pages of chicken-scratches and doodled flowers, this would have been too much. What you were offering though, unbeknownst to me, was so much more.

This is what I found in your mail slot.

This is what was inside.

Notes, printed power-point presentations, in-class essays, and even EXAM SCANTRONS! were found inside, organized and separated by exam relavence in labeled baggies. It weighed a good 7 pounds and it was only two-thirds there! From what I understand, you are working on that little problem right now, which boggles my mind. These documents, real, relevant, and accurate, got me through the first exam. I have no doubt that I made a decent grade when by all accounts, I probably shouldn't have. Take a look at this in class quiz I took. Due to class absence, I didn't have a clue as to the answer of the question, so I went ahead and followed the good Dr.'s advice and wrote down my favorite joke for 10 well earned points.

Click them to enlarge.

So, this one is for you, Cari. You gave me a semester's worth of notes for no reason. These notes got me through the first exam, if not the second and third yet to come. Basically, in addition to being very good lookin', you're extremely generous as well. You didn't make promises you couldn't keep, and you came through, not with flying colors, but with a soaring full spectrum of light. Thank you, very, very much. And now comes the time when I have to ask, do you have any sisters?

Many more thanks,
Michael

To My New Readers

2004-09-20T19:13:00.001-07:00

Dan Rather ought to do a report on me. I have been forging official documents since I was a young lad, red-haired and blue-faced. T'was a good time then, when parking tickets, eviction notices, and fake autographs from Roseanne Barr were seen as jokes, goofs, and gags. Oh, how that time has come and gone.

Lately, I have been noticing trash on my hallway in my apartment building. I saw three large trash bags against a door across the hall. Judging from the scent of the bags, it was time to issue them an "official" citation.

This is what I created and clipped on the frame of their door, minus the large felt-tip writing of course.

Click To Enlarge!

This is what they left on their door in response.

Read it out loud. Read it out loud again. Have you ever seen anything so irrevocably dumb? I doubt it. I'll bet they have been saving money for the last few weeks so they can make that next rent payment with an extra 85 bucks tacked on by me.

Welcome to my life and welcome to my blog, jerks.

I have a new readership now. They have been taunted, harassed, and swash-buckled by me. I have incited violent acts, book burnings, and lynch mobs by leaving comments on blogs, random ones to boot! Some of my comments are as follows…

"I am reading your blog through squinted eyes while squeezing out a loaf onto the cement floor in my parents' basement."

"I am obligated by the law of the state of Texas to inform you that I am a registered sex offender. I just wanted to let you know that I really, really like your blog. It gets me hot."

"I am currently reading your blog through cheap plastic X-ray glasses I found in a cereal box from 1954. I can see straight through your skin, right to your personality, or should I say, lack thereof."

"You know, even though your girl-friend's vagina smells like sauerkraut, she probably still doesn't like being called a Nazi by a guy who runs a blog as inept as yours."

"Did you know that every time someone in Mexico flushes the toilet, a blog like this one ends up in America?"

"When the starving people of Ethiopia learn how to eat blogs, I hope they get yours first."

"My favorite episode is, 'It Hurts When I Pee, Charlie Brown.'"

"Why don't you go straight down to the hot place to visit the horned one?"

"An illegal immigrant I know referred me to your blog. It is so bad that I had to call the INS on her to have her deported back to Ethiopia, and she's my WIFE!"

And for the occasional blog from a certifiable homo-sexual…

"It's rainin' men, and from the looks of things they bring with them terrible, terrible blogs."

People are getting so offended, that they feel the need to give me some sort of "counter-comment" in retaliation. More often than not, it is less readable than, "Those trash are not ours."

As a result, I am getting hit after glorious hit on my counter. Now that I have been approved for Google AdSense, I will be making tens of dollars a year. Don't tell me it's not worth it. You're here, reading my nonsense, unable to look away. Not even porn will drag you away from this sad little blog. What am I saying? This blog kicks the snot out of any other blog you're likely to see.

If you are here, then you are either seeing how great this blog is and are jealous OR you are seeing how great this blog is and are happy you finally have something nice to look at besides Maddox on the internet. The jealous among you will leave comments that are mean-spirited, hateful, and belligerent. "Screw you!" they shout. The happy will leave comments urging me to keep going. "I love you!" they scream.

Since most of the I Love You's come from women, I love you too. For the rest, visit as often as you wish. Some already are. Considering that 20 comments are yielding 100 unique hits a day, I know that I have many repeat customers.

I will update frequently, insult counter-comment wielding visitors swiftly, and continue to wage Blog-Jihad against lesser competitors I come against in a manner far more severe than has ever been seen. Mwahhh, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha …. Fuck you!

Things I Have Told People

2004-09-18T20:20:00.000-07:00

I say weird things sometimes. Here are some examples...

After talking to a strange girl on the phone for about half an hour, she mentions something about her 38 inch waist.

I asked, "Do you have kankles?"

To give you a visual, this boy has kankles.

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Some girls came into Jason's Deli and one of them ordered a 'Reuben The Great.' I brought it out to her and after she noticed that it was 5 inches tall, she asked how she was supposed to eat it.

I said, "Yeah, I get that a lot. People are always asking how they can wrap their lips around so much meat."

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I even hear people say weird things.

Two girls are looking at movies on a rack to rent at Hastings. One girl hands the other 'Interview With The Vampire.' She took the box and gave the other girl a look of indignation.

She said, "I normally don't like vampire movies. They're too unrealistic."

I swear that all of this is true, unless you're my boss, in which case I really didn't tell that girl to wrap her lips around the meat.

If You've Come For Revenge

2004-09-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

If you have found a weird comment on your blog and have decided to visit mine to give some sort of payback, this message is for you.

Some of the counter comments given to me indicate that I am not worth your time. This is true.

Some of the counter comments are exactly the same comment that I originally left on someone else's blog. This is true.

Some of the counter comments merely repeat the premise of what I'm doing, posting randomly. This is true.

Nearly all of the counter comments are left by people so infuriated that I have tainted their precious log of what they did at school that day, that they feel the need to click back to my blog and tell me how much I suck. This is a waste of bandwidth. To those who are reading this message because you found a comment by myself on your blog....

CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU'VE OVER-REACTED AND WASTED YOUR TIME!

I will continue to post random comments until I am stopped by my conscience or the good folks at Blogger. Until then, people will continue to be offended by a non-sensical comment, will continue to click back to this blog, and will continue to post their meaningless counter-comments on my blog, giving me the all important hit on my counter.

That's My King

2004-09-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

This post is for the church folk, a group largely ignored by my vulgar, obscene, heretical, and sublimely unfunny blog. Half the stuff on here probably has my friends, co-workers, and possibly select family members convinced that I'm going straight to the Horned-One when I die. Quite frankly, if they did, I wouldn't blame them.

This post will be my redemption.

My church back in Houston played this for the congregation, and it was good. I have found it again and you can listen to it while reading along. Listening to the passion and utter happiness of this preacher brings a smile to my face, which while I can't speak for you, is something I kinda dig.

Click here to listen to That's My King!

by. Dr. S. M. Lockridge

Transcript...

"My King was born King. The Bible says He’s a Seven Way King. He’s the King of the Jews – that’s a racial King. He’s the King of Israel – that’s a National King. He’s the King of righteousness. He’s the King of the ages. He’s the King of Heaven. He’s the King of glory. He’s the King of kings and He is the Lord of lords. Now that’s my King. Well I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him?

Don’t try to mislead me. Do you know my King? David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament show His handiwork. My King is the only one whom there are no means of measure can define His limitless love. No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shore of supplies. No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

Well, well, He’s enduringly strong. He’s entirely sincere. He’s eternally steadfast. He’s immortally graceful. He’s imperially powerful. He’s impartially merciful. That’s my King. He’s God’s Son. He’s the sinner’s savior. He’s the centerpiece of civilization. He stands alone in Himself. He’s honest. He’s unique. He’s unparalleled. He’s unprecedented. He’s supreme. He’s pre-eminent. Well, He’s the loftiest idea in literature. He’s the highest personality in philosophy. He’s the supreme problem in high criticism. He’s the fundamental doctrine of proved theology. He’s the carnal necessity of spiritual religion. That’s my King.

He’s the miracle of the age. He’s the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him. Well, He’s the only one able to supply all of our needs simultaneously. He supplies strength for the weak. He’s available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He’s a strong God and He guides. He heals the sick. He cleanses the lepers. He forgives sinners. He discharged debtors. He delivers the captives. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek. Do you know Him?

Well, my King is a King of knowledge. He’s the wellspring of wisdom. He’s the doorway of deliverance. He’s the pathway of peace. He’s the roadway of righteousness. He’s the highway of holiness. He’s the gateway of glory. He’s the master of the mighty. He’s the captain of the conquerors. He’s the head of the heroes. He’s the leader of the legislatures. He’s the overseer of the over-comers. He’s the governor of governors. He’s the prince of princes. He’s the King of kings and He’s the Lord of lords. That’s my King. Yeah. Yeah. That’s my King. My King, yeah.

His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His light is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His Word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Well. I wish I could describe Him to you, but He’s indescribable. He’s indescribable. Yes.

He’s incomprehensible. He’s invincible. He’s irresistible. I’m coming to tell you, the heavens of heavens cannot contain Him, let alone a man explaining Him. You can’t get Him out of your mind. You can’t get Him off of your hands. You can’t outlive Him and you can’t live without Him.

Well, Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilot couldn’t find any fault in Him. The witnesses couldn’t get their testimonies to agree. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him and the grave couldn’t hold Him. That’s my King. Yeah.

He always has been and He always will be. I’m talking about He had no predecessor and He’ll have no successor. There was nobody before Him and there’ll be nobody after Him. You can’t impeach Him and He’s not going to resign. That’s my King! That’s my King!

Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Well, all the power belongs to my King. We’re around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but it’s God’s power. Thine is the power. Yeah. And the glory. We try to get prestige and honour and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His. Yes. Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory, forever and ever and ever and ever. How long is that? And ever and ever and ever and ever. And when you get through with all of the forevers, then, Amen."

Keith says that he requires that church serve expensive Irish beer to its members for him to attend and participate. I say he should smuggle it in, or learn to appreciate the subtleties of grape juice with saltines. Then he could yell out, "Jesus tastes like crackers! That's my King, the King of the Crackers!"

Beanie Weenie

2004-09-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

Letter to Jason's Deli...

"I have a suggestion. I would like to see Beanie Weenie on your kid's menu. We have the franks. We have the beans. Let's get cookin' guys and put our franks and beans together for the kids!"

Letter in response...

"Thank you for your interest in Jason's Deli. We recently received your menu suggestion for our kid's menu. We will forward your request to our Prouduct and Development Team for their consideration. We love to hear from our customers. Any comment or suggestion you may have, please do not hesitate to contact us concerning it. Thank you so much for your time. Have a great day!

Sincerely,
Tammy Pena

Customer Relations
Jason's Deli"

Jason's Deli does not currently serve Beanie Weenie. Hopefully, some day our needs will be seen, but until then we all have to hope and pray.

Blog Vacation

2004-09-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

I am taking a vacation from my blog due to the Internet being out at my loft. While I am gone, I'll leave you with something to think about.

What really happened on September 11th? I am not a big conspiracy theorist, but this grassroots level investigation has been going on for a while, and a few weird things have been coming up...

World Trade Center... Click Here!

Pentagon... Click Here!

Rice Rocket Huntdown

2004-08-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

As I stated before, I recently finished a book called The Fountainhead, in which a man named Howard Roark follows a philosophy of Function before Form. I have noticed that if his philosophy were followed by more people, we probably wouldn't have so many poorly modified cars on the road, buzzing their way through town. I have found some in the Waco area, included my comments on them and also what Howard Roark would say if he saw them. As an example of what I am talking about, I have posted pictures of the 1989 Batmobile, and the two creatures it has spawned.

To view the rest of the Rice-Rockets, click on the links below. I have changed this post to accomodate those who suffer from Microsoft Internet Explorer Syndrome. You get helmets for walking, buggies for shopping, and now you get links for dumb-car hunting.

People, leave your cars alone. And if you are going to do something to it, make it count for the better. As Dr. Korpi of Baylor University often says, "A difference, to be a difference, has to make a difference." If you're going to make your cars different, make them better.

Don't be Jealous

2004-08-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

Rice Rocket Hunt post will be coming soon. Until then, view the beer I just drank and drool.

Click the beer to see the most minor of "Rice Rockets."

Thieves Are Dipshits

2004-08-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

You know, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to admit that he was wrong. Friends, I was wrong. I have been told by some that parking with my sunroof open was a recipe for disaster. I didn't believe them. I assumed I was safe. I stated as much in my post called Living in Fear.

My faith in humanity has been hit, in a big way.

I have a CD Visor case that holds 20 CD's. I always have it filled, and in alphabetical order so that I can find what I want easily. I flipped it open and saw an empty space.

"Hmm, that’s odd," I thought.

"Did it fall out onto the carpet? Was it already in my CD player? Did I put two in some other space leaving this space unfilled?"

No. No. No.

I counted 19 CD's where there once were 20. Someone stole one of them. What kind of asshole steals someone else's stuff out of their car? I'll tell you what kind; a tasteless asshole. You see, I like to think that my taste in music is pretty good. If you look at my collection, you will likely see things in there that you haven't seen before.

When you hear much of it, you will think, "Wow, I haven't heard anything like this before… Who is it? … Mars Volta? Damn, they're pretty fuckin' good, even if the singer does sound like a man with an alligator hanging from his testicles"

You see, my case only shows the outer edges of the disks it is holding. In order to see what CD is in a certain slot, you have to pull it out a bit. This is apparently what the thief decided to do. With his head in my car, he tugged at the disks, one by one, inspecting them for musical quality.

This is what I had in there at the time…

AFI
Afghan Whigs
Nick Cave
Franz Ferdinand
Glassjaw
Harvey Danger
The Hives
Juliana Theory
King Crimson
The Mars Volta
OKGo
Pink Floyd
Prince
Rival Schools
Slipknot
Thursday
Tool
Weezer
The White Stripes
The Who

Can you guess what was stolen? It was the worst one in this list, by far.

High-lite below to see what was stolen.

>>> Slipknot <<<

Now you know I can understand that some people like that band. What I can't understand is why anyone would pick that CD over the others listed.

This is the reason for the hit to the faith in humanity that I have. If you are going to steal a CD, and the risk is the same no matter what CD you take, take the best one. Take them all. Take the few you haven't heard of before. Expand your horizons. Quit fucking around with a band that, even I will admit, is mostly crap. Quit perpetuating the thought that petty thieves are stupid little pricks who can't hold down a job because they suck at life, and artistic taste. Most of all, quit stealing other peoples' fucking property. If I catch the worthless sack of shit that did this, I'm going to break a CD of their choice into little pieces and make them eat it, stupid son of a bitch.

There, I'm OK now. I just had to vent, and what good is a blog if you can't vent once in a while.

Nursing Homes Saga

2004-08-16T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have more people looking at my blog on a daily basis than ever before. For this I am thankful. In response to some of the compliments on my writings, I have asked people to visit the "Nursing Homes" story.

They can't find it, so I will make it easy for them.

Click Here For Nursing Homes Story.

I haven't posted recently on anything significant because I have been busy doing something that I haven't done in a long, long time. Reading.

This is the novel by Ayn Rand that has consumed my free time for the last week and a half. It is 694 pages of grammatically easy, yet philosophically challenging ideas.

This is my current intention.

As some of you know, I had a poll on my blog that would determine my weekly assignment to be done for my readers. Well, while my blog received about 150 unique hits, the poll got a total of about 33 votes. This means that people visited the site, but didn't really care about me doing any single thing every week for any great length of time. I will however, have one post deal with an aspect of the poll winning option.

The winning option was.... drum-roll please, Rice Rocket Hunting. Basically, in this option, I would take pictures and make fun of cars which people have decorated with loud mufflers, stickers, mismatched body paneling, and fire extinguishers. People who drive them think they are one step away from race car. I know better. I will do this, but I will also apply the philosophy of my recent reading of The Fountainhead to the behavior of these drivers who think they are adding something other than stupidity to their cars with the bolting of a triple-decker wing on to their trunks.

Ayn Rand's protagonist, Howard Roark, is an architect who lives by, among other things, a philosophy of Function Before Form.

The redundant tachometers, colored interiors and 20" spinners found on these "Rice Rockets" add no function to these cars, and very little form. Howard Roark would look at them and see them for what they are, dumb.

Not everyone agree with Roark though...

Keith has said this about The Fountainhead's author.

"Ayn Rand is a whore. Whores carry diseases. Don't sleep with whores, and you won't get any."

He doesn't mean that Ayn Rand has the clap. Rather he means that her philosophy of individualism, self-realization, and laissez-faire capitalism, and in the case of design, FUNCTION BEFORE FORM taken to the extreme is bad for society. Following it will cost you your sanity and compassion for the poor.

I think he is just saving money to buy a huge wing for his car, a five year old Maxima.

Don't you do it, Keith! Your car looks fine the way it is.

In summation…

Read the Nursing Homes story.

Rice Rocket Hunting won my recent poll.

I haven't posted recently because I have been reading The Fountainhead.

My next post will deal with cars. Cars following Ayn Rand's philosophy will be shown along-side cars that counter Ayn Rand's philosophy. Whether or not Rand is a whore is up for debate, but when it comes to cars, I will prove that she was spot-on in her thinking.

Keepin' the Random

2004-08-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

These are some true to life conversations I had today.

Glenn - You’re the man!

Me - No, you're the man. You know, I might have the upper-hand on you in some regards, but there is one area where you will always win.

Glenn - What's that?

Me - Chest-Hair density.

And another...

Me - I have two words for you.

Keith - What are they?

Me - George Dickel. (brand of whiskey)

Keith - It's that good, huh?

Me - Very much so. And now I'm going to go get a taco.

20 minutes later…

Me - Taco achieved.

Me - Her name is Ashley, and man is she cute!

Yet another...

Me - Jason, I have a question for you.

Jason - What is it?

Me - When you urinate while sitting down, does your left ring-finger spasm uncontrollably?

Jason - Man, what in the hell are you talking about?

Me - I'm just fucking with you!

Jason - How are you man?

Me - Pretty good, how about yourself? I do have a real question though.

Jason - I am pretty good man, not too many complaints.

Me - As you may or may not know, I have a blog, and I have told my bosses about it. They love the hell out of that thing. They loves themselves some "Thoughts of Mike Blog" if you catch my drift. Well, my audience has just increased like 20 percent and they check the bastard daily.

Jason - So, what's the problem?

Me - Here's the question… Do I change the content to try to suit my new audience or do I just keep doing the same random shit?

Jason - Same random stuff.

Jason - You got to give them what got them there in the first place.

Well said Jason. Well said, indeed. Jason is a politician, so I trust him. I will be keeping this blog as random as the conversations that have made this post possible.

Bandit Update

2004-08-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

To my tanned boss whom I had mistakenly assumed Latino ethnicity, sorry about the mishap. Truly, I meant no harm. In order to remedy the error, I have changed your name from Jose Santiago to Otto Von Kesslinger III.

Bandit

2004-08-03T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have written recently about the Flat Earth Society, attempting to enlighten those who saw it to its true purpose, one of parody. I ended that post with a message; we need to learn to recognize a joke when we see it and be a little more light-hearted in general.

Something happened at work today that makes me want to repeat the message.

As you may know, I work for Jason's Deli in Waco as a delivery driver. I enjoy my job and the friendly atmosphere it provides. While a couple of people get on my nerves, there is not a soul currently employed there that would ever purposely hurt another's feelings or embarrass them. That being said, there are times when a manager will give impossible tasks (much like a military drill sergeant) that are meant to test your stress tolerance more than actual ability.

Today was a particular driver's first day on the job. A medium sized man with a thick mustache, he kind of looked like Burt Reynolds. As a joke, the catering director named Winter decided to make his name tag say "BANDIT" rather than his real name, Harry*.

Were I in his position, I would wear it for a few days and then politely ask, "You know, the Bandit thing was sort of funny, but you know, do you think I could have a name tag with my name on it?"

Harry took a different approach. After noticing this, he did a few surprising things. After moping around the back, whining about his tag to anyone who would listen, saying things like, "Fucking shit, I was made fun of a kid about my name and man you know this is a corporate establishment, I shouldn't have to suffer a public humiliation like this. Fuck! Shit!" I think I saw a tear trickle down his cheek at this. He was struggling to put mustard in 4oz Styrofoam containers.

He then walked to the front for a minute and came back alerting us of his reason for absence. He was busy talking to his lawyer about a possible lawsuit against Jason's Deli Incorporated. "My lawyer said that I just shouldn't have to suffer this public humiliation. It's ridiculous and humiliating. Michael, who is the general manager here?"

I respond, fighting back the fits of laughter that later emerged in a dry storage room. "I don't know if we have a 'general manager' here, but if you want to talk to the highest guy, I think it's Otto Von Kesslinger III, the tall guy with short hair and a white shirt on."

"Thanks."

I am now fighting back tears of laughter while he goes and talks to Otto. After the conversation, Winter follows him to the back. "Harry, I am so sorry. It was a joke and I really didn't want to offend you. Here, lets change your tag now, how exactly do you spell your name?"

I later learn that on his first delivery, he committed no less than two offenses worthy of termination. He also decided that after 3 hours of public humiliation, it was time for him to quit. Whether he was fired or he quit, he no longer works at Jason's fine establishment. The shirt, nametag, and hat cost 26 dollars. Three hours of work amount to about 21 dollars of wages. He quit while still owing his employer 5 bucks. What a jackass.

I spent the rest of the day randomly asking for a new tag with the name "Red Baron". I haven't got it yet.

Quite frankly, he reminds me a little too much of a character on the Phil Hendrie Show. The character's name is Steve Bosell. Steve has been known to sue his wife, his kids, his friends, and his dog over issues of humiliation. Here are a couple of clips that remind me of Harry.

Clip 1 - Steve decides to sue the local Olive Garden because after walking bow legged out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to a spur on his boot, people laughed at him. We later learn that he showed a phony sheriff's badge while whistling the theme to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. He also tried to shoot the toilet paper off his spur with a squirt gun he keeps in a leather holster.

Clip 2 - Steve wants to sue people who saw him pee in a public pool. We learn that the pool had been treated with a chemical that turns blue when it comes in contact with human urine. On another note, this fictitious story turned up later on a legitimate news show as a real story. It isn't real, but it is very funny.

Clip 3 - Steve tells his wife's friend, "Nice camel toe." He figured that he was doing her a favor. She in turn cancelled her contract with him for a new family room to their house. He decided to sue the woman for breach of contract, the cruise company for not giving him his deposit back because he can no longer afford the cruise, and his father in law as a "pre-emptive civil measure".

*All names, save for my own, have been changed.

Shampoo

2004-07-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

I was at the grocery store the other day. I had to buy some shampoo. Now my life is not very complicated. Wake up, get ready for the day, go to school, work, come home, eat, go to bed, repeat. Buying shampoo though is one of the harder things that I do annually. Every bottle seems to be aimed at people other than myself. Here is what I am thinking while I search for shampoo.

"Ahh, this one is for women, ehh, that’s not me. Hmmm, this one is for people who suffer from dandruff. Not for me either. Split ends? I don't care if I have those or not. Thin hair, nope. Grey hair, nope. Ethnic hair? Let me check, nope."

I'm trying to find the one that says 'Dirty Hair.' It doesn't exist. Shampoo now does everything from color to curl, except clean. Where is the shampoo for me? The one that just says, "Cleans hair real good."

These are the last three shampoos I have used. None of them "clean" hair.

To the far left is Pantene Pro-V. It provides my hair with a "smooth and sleek" look. I don't like this look or feel. If I wanted my hair to feel as though it has just been rubbed down with hot dog juice, I'm already aptly supplied.

In the center is Loreal Vive (FOR MEN!). This shampoo is specifically designed to thicken my already thick hair. Were my hair any thicker, I wouldn't be able to run a broad toothed comb through it.

To the far right is Suave Naturals, with "sea algae extract and vitamin E". This shampoo is designed to give my hair a nice fragrance. While the hair smelled decent (read like algae), it was also dry, stiff, and well, not very clean.

All of these shampoos are not designed to clean hair. They are designed as though clean hair is a given. They say, "well the hair got clean some how, so now my job is to sleeken, thicken, and musk it."

If Lava made a shampoo, I would buy it. The best shampoo (and sunscreen) I have ever used is made by a company called NoAD. Their big claim to fame is the fact that they have no commercials, fancy product placements, or a web-site as far as I can tell. It rules. Get it where you can find it.

Danger is Fun

2004-07-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

I said in a previous post that I took a little trip and visited Fiesta Texas in San Antonio with my family. On this trip, I rode a series of roller coasters, saving the best for last with "The Rattler." It is a wooden roller coaster with uncomfortable seats, open sides, and no shoulder clamp. For those of you not familiar with the novelty of wooden roller coasters, basically, they are rough. While waiting in line, you can see the frame of the entire structure bend and sway in the wind. When the train moves over a curve, the track literally moves three feet to the outside because of the centrifugal force of the cars. The track ripples, creaks, and generally appears very unsafe.

This is what makes these kinds of ride fun. Anyone can ride on a 60 mph roller coaster made of steel that feels not so different than riding in a convertible car. It takes a considerably stronger constitution to ride a 65 mph wooden roller coaster that feels as though it will shake apart around any corner. While the "scare" level is never very high on any large amusement park ride, it is highest on these.

I have found that these rides are the most fun. In fact, the two types of rides I enjoy the most are wooden roller coasters and the Zipper.

They are fun because there is the perception of danger. While my brain is telling me that these rides are older than I am and the chance of injury is zero, my body still wants to brace for impact. Getting that impulse under control and letting go of the handle bar is what these rides are all about.

People need to get those arms up in the air and have fun rather than trying to protect themselves from dangers that were never there to begin with.

There are times when we simply need to accept that things are out of our hands and trust that those around us have done their jobs in insuring our safety. I had to do this when I wrecked my truck last year.

Driving home to Houston on wet roads caused me to fishtail along a highway at 60 mph. Traveling perpendicularly down HWY 6 looking through the driver window to see where I was going instead of the windshield was an odd experience. I mumbled, "Eehh, shit…" right before I slammed left-front-tire first into a very solid tree. In my mind I was thinking, "Man this is going to hurt… a lot, but there's nothing I can do at this point, so let's get it on." Maybe I wasn't thinking that exactly, close enough. Grab the steering wheel, clench your teeth, and hope for the best. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL.

I walked away from that one with a hurt ankle and ribs. The bruise from the seat belt turned a nice purple. The truck was totaled.

At this point, you might be thinking, "OK Michael, you've rambled on about nothing for too long. What's your point?"

Well, I have a couple.

First, the perception of danger is fun. Petty criminals learned this as kids when they stole assortments of gum from the corner store. Race car drivers have made it their job to push the boundaries of safety, constantly negotiating the rush of adrenaline with not pulling a Dale Earnhardt. Look at what people do for fun for crying out loud. Skydiving, rock climbing, moshing, contact sports, bungee jumping, etc…and roller coasters. These things are relatively safe, but their very nature conveys a sense of danger which attracts participants.

Secondly, while you control your own destiny for the vast majority of time you spend here on Earth, there are times when you are not in control. There is no reason to spend valuable energy trying to control what happens around you when you have no control over it. People need to learn that the world is larger than them, and should they find themselves caught in an aspect of it that they can't change, their only option is to try and make the best of it. Learn the difference between the aspects of your life you pilot and those on which you are merely a passenger. When you are a passenger, make the best whatever it is. You'll find yourself more relaxed. Relaxation is good for the mind and the heart.

Tucker Max

2004-07-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

Meet Tucker Max. Essentially, he compiles stories of "Belligerence and Debauchery" for his fans. His new website is finally up. I urge you to give it a visit.

Click the picture of go to his web-site.

This is an excerpt of his typical bar behavior.

"-This was personal favorite interaction of the night:

Tucker “Do you mind if I flirt with you for a while?”
Girl “Please zip up your pants first. Thank you.”
Tucker “Oh, sorry. So, what’s your name?”
Girl “[Blah, blah, blah….]”
Tucker “Do you have an underbite? Wait…COME BACK HERE, I THINK THAT’S SEXY!”"

I'm Back

2004-07-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written on here lately. I see that my hit counter has steadily risen so I guess people are still checking this thing to see what I have written; ever hoping something new will appear.

Well here you go...

I have taken a little vacation. After completing the first summer session of Latin (and passing!) I joined my family in San Antonio. There we ate some delicious Carrabba's filet mignons, swam around in a pretty big-ass pool, and rode a bunch of roller-coasters at Fiesta Texas. We had a damn decent time. Sunburns were minor.

Because I didn't have to return to work until today, the 10th, I decided to travel down to Houston to spend a couple days with my family's new smoker. For those of you who do not know what a smoker is, here is a picture…

You see, on the right is the fire-box. In it you build a small wood fire. The smoke travels through the cylinder out the chimney, passing over and through whatever you are cooking inside. The heat comes from the fire.

My father and uncle have built one. Indeed, it is a behemoth of a smoker. At ten feet long and over 1300 pounds it is a giant 3/4 inch thick steel tribute to manliness. You know you are dealing with a product of testosterone when it can only be moved with no less than five men and a rather large John Deere tractor.

I cooked a few different things on it yesterday. There were three turkey legs, two chickens, and one and a half briskets. Basically, you damper off the fire until you can hold a temperature of about 200 degrees. For all the amateur chefs here, you know that it takes forever to cook anything at this temperature.

That is the whole point.

Smoking barbeque is an all day event. Our chickens and turkey legs took five hours and the brisket took sixteen hours. While the chickens were absolutely spectacular, the brisket could be improved, but hey, this was my first time and next time will be better. Barbeque is complicated stuff, and it takes years to master any particular meat.

After wrapping up the excess brisket, I came home to Waco, ran some errands, and then went to work. After work, I wrote this. Now, I am thinking about the direct relationship between the perceived safety of a roller-coaster and its entertainment value. Think I'll write about that next...

I Made a Pizza

2004-07-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

I had no work today. In a bizarre change of pace from my normal days off, I did something constructive. I made a Pizza. Follow me through my journey.

Jay's Signature Pizza Crust

Spiderman 2

2004-06-29T12:30:00.000-07:00

"You shall not covet your neighbor's wife. You shall not set your desire on your neighbor's house or land, his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor, even if he does have a Spiderman 2 ticket."

Deuteronomy 5:21

It ought to be good.

Sitcoms

2004-06-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

You know, I came in from grabbing a bite to eat and saw a familiar sight on the television. Drew was watching a typical sitcom called "Still Standing." I saw something that I am seeing too much of on TV these days. Was it sex? No. Was it violence? No. Was it …. eekgad … bad language? Sadly, no. What did I see? I saw another portly man married to a thin, hot wife. It isn't just this show though. There is a definite trend. Look at these photos…

Sitcoms need to be believable on a base level. We need to accept the premise. I do not accept that Doug got Carrie drunk enough to accept a wedding ring. I do not accept that Bill somehow seduced Judy into wedlock on Still Standing. I do not accept that Jim somehow impressed Cheryl with his "antics" into a healthy marriage. I do not accept that the mildly retarded Homer won over Marge with his ample beer belly and cool car. These premises are not believable. Average American families do not resemble what we see on TV. Jennifer Anniston didn't marry "Chandler." She married Brad fucking Pitt. Julia Roberts's marriage didn't last with Lyle Lovett. Hmm, I wonder why that is. Perhaps it's because he looks like that stuttering guy from "One Flew Over the Coo-Coo's Nest."

So what's my point? My point is, the behavior of the characters on these shows reflects their individual situations, but the networks are actually trying to reflect middle-America. In effect, these slow-witted and obese men are married to these beautiful women. They know they've married up. They let the audience in on it as well. These guys know that they don't deserve their mates. They deserve… Roseanne Barr. They know that they had better cower in fear every time their wife acts upset. Meanwhile, the women feel that they have every right to be the biggest bitch on God's green Earth. They know that they have married down. These women can get away with murder, while the guys have to come groveling to them on bended knee begging forgiveness for getting in an extra round of golf over the weekend.

Is this the message that CBS, NBC, and Fox want to push. Every husband in America should thank his lucky stars for finding a woman who would stoop so low as to enter into marriage with his fat self while every wife in America should think they deserve breakfast in bed any morning they feel like it. I sure hope not. That isn't reality and that isn't what reality should be like.

There ain't enough good lookin' women to go around for all of the guys who are lucky enough to look like me.

Don't Fuck With Cheney

2004-06-26T00:15:00.001-07:00

You don't, want to fuck with Cheney...
'Cause Cheney, will fucking kill you...

Thanks, Mr. Mathers, you lyrical genius you.

"Fuck off or go fuck yourself."

Living in Fear

2004-06-25T14:07:00.000-07:00

I drove to the bank today during some errands. While at the bank, I intended to deposit money and transfer part of the deposit to my credit card (in order to decrease a small part of my debt). This could not be done. After sending in a couple of checks with the deposit slip and a message saying I wanted to transfer money to my credit card, a cute Asian girl replied.

"Umm, sir we can't do that, but I'll tell you what, I'll say that you want $73.00 less cash on the deposit slip and that money will go towards your credit card. All I need you to do is sign in the box and initial what I changed."

"OK, will do, thanks."

I received my deposit slip, signed and initialed it, and sent it back to her. I noticed that she was laughing really hard. I think she could hear me through the intercom singing in my car and found it funny, but I can't be sure. I was singing a Nada Surf song, so I'm quite sure it was so off key that I would have found it funny had I heard myself. Oh well. I'm speculating at this point.

Soon though, I receive my receipts. One receipt says that I have deposited a money into my checking account. It also says that $73.00 was taken out as "less cash." The other receipt says that $73.00 was put into my credit card account. This is exactly what I wanted, except for the fact that the exact amount of my checking account deposit was also enclosed, in cash, along with these receipts.

While looking over everything, still singing, cute Asian girl still laughing, I figure out the mistake. Basically, she had given me over $200.00 in cash. I press the "Call" button once more.

"Hello, welcome to Wells Fargo, how can I help you."

"Umm, I think a mistake has been made."

"Hold on, let me transfer you…."

Cute Asian girl, "How can I help you sir?"

"Well, I have receipts for my deposits along with the amount of the checking deposit in cash. I appreciate the offer, but I think you gave it to me on accident."

"Oh man, I'm sooooo sorry sir. Thank you so much for being honest."

I sent back the cash; she took the canister and ran out of sight. I soon saw her run back into the room and she asked me to hold on, because she was going to send me something. This is what I received for my honesty.

I got a handful of Bubble Gum. You see kids, honesty pays.

We said our mutual thanks, and I left, proudly displaying my new Support Our Troops - Yellow Ribbon Magnet attached to the right B-pillar of my car. I got to thinking. Would most people have simply taken the money? Is this the reason she was so happy? Did I just save her job by making sure she would balance out correctly at the end of her shift while anyone else would have taken the extra cash and ran?

I sure as Hellfire and Brimstone hope not. There is no way that most people would have simply cut and run. I think that people are too honest for that. Sure, there would be a certain percentage that would take the money, essentially robbing a bank, and there would have been others who would be confused and simply try to redeposit the cash. I have to believe though that the vast majority of people who would have caught a mistake like that would have turned in the money, if not merely due to principle, but due to a fear of getting caught as well.

In my British Politics class, we discussed this and came to the same conclusion. While a few in the class said that most other people will take advantage of unguarded property, the majority of students there said that it is only a few criminals who create that perception. I offered an example to them. "How many of you guys see unguarded and unlocked bikes on campus? I don't think, 'Man I would sure love to steal that bike!' Rather I think, 'Oh man, somebody left their bike unlocked. I hope nobody else steals it!'" They all seemed to agree.

I have been told that my CD's are unsafe, resting in a sun-visor case, while my sunroof is open. I have to think that my CD's are unsafe whether my sun-roof is open or closed. If someone wants my CD's, they will take them, and unless I am there to try to stop it, there isn't anything I can do about it. The reason I don't worry about them too often is because I believe that people aren't going to just steal all of my stuff, all the time. While I do take minimal precautions against such things, like locking doors and fire-walling my computer, I cannot, and will not, live my life forever fearful of thieves, hackers, and pirates. These people are not going to determine how I live.

Maybe we do live in a "Culture of Fear." To be perfectly honest with you, that would be a culture I would like to see go away, for good.

Flat Earth Society

2004-06-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I believe that commonly accepted "facts" do not undergo the kind of scrutiny they deserve. Did Lee Harvey Oswald shoot John F. Kennedy? Educated people know that John F. Kennedy was actually killed in a vast government plot involving grassy knolls, magical bullets, and Fidel Castro. Did NASA actually land on the moon? Educated people know that the moon landing was faked in an effort to beat the Russian Bear and filmed in the deserts of Arizona. Is the Earth really round?

This last question is the one that I would like to focus on here. One thing that educated people seem to be oblivious to, is the true nature of the Earth's shape. For hundreds of years, man thought that it was flat, and now given new "scientific evidence," many people think it is round. How arrogant are we to think that we are so much smarter than they? Both civilizations probably have much more in common than we believe they do. Gabe, I'm sure you would agree with me here.

I, for one, do not buy this whole "Spherical Earth Theory." It is just too simple. Earth rotating on an axis and revolving around the Sun? Please. I thought that I was alone in this belief, and many people are going to think that I am nuts for believing this, but I think that the Earth is flat, resting on a plane. This is indicated in pre-New-World writings, and there is now a society that is trying to resurrect the idea that the Earth is flat. This society is called the Flat Earth Society. Their writing is impeccable. Their theories are air-tight. They have me convinced. I have already applied for membership to this exclusive organization that has been, "Deprogramming the masses since 1547."

Click this link for a revelation!

Now some of you might be thinking that I am making fun of the Flat-Earth Society, have gone insane, or am trying to make a point. The truth is; it's a little bit of the last two.

Perhaps I have gone insane. I am making up alter egos that wander the country side on a holy pilgrimage and harass people though a laptop on a message board. When I finally let them in on the gag, I will post a link to the conversation. So far, it is pretty funny.

More than anything, I am trying to make a point. I believe that people are having trouble recognizing a joke when it presents itself.

When The Daily Show's John Stewart plays a clip of President Bush saying, "The reason I keep insisting that there was a relationship between Iraq and Saddam and al Qaeda is because there was a relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda," and then responds by saying, "Well, when you say it that way, you're wrong twice," he is making a joke. I believe this is a funny statement made by John Stewart, but far too many people want to accept it as actual news. Have these same people forgotten that his show is the top rated, "Fake News Show"?

When people call the radio show Coast-to-Coast AM, with George Noory (formerly Art Bell), from not only a different time zone, but from a different time altogether, people want to believe it, and so they do. I will be the first to admit that it would be cool to receive a phone call from 50 years in the future, but when such a phone call is played on a Theater-Radio Show, we are supposed to get the fact that it's a joke. The show has absolutely no credibility in conveying scientific evidence for anything, be it extra terrestrials or a flat Earth, but it is entertaining none-the-less to hear people go on and on about vast government plots and UFO abductions. Even the occasional story about a Chupicabra attack amuses me.

When we are waiting in line at the supermarket and we see a periodical proclaiming the existence of Bat Boy, complete with photographs and interviews, we know it is phony. How many of us though didn't buy the thing because the embarrassment would be too great?

I get it though. It is a joke. Most of the audience gets it. They know it is meant to entertain.

That is what this Flat-Earth Society is. It is a cleverly constructed fake organization that is entertaining an audience with its wild theories and word-play. Along with this entertainment though, comes the responsibility to possess a little discernment.

Here is an example of what I am talking about. They cite this as scientific evidence for fault with the round Earth.

"Once again, picture in your mind a round world. Now imagine that there are two people on this world, one at each pole. For the person at the top of the world, (the North Pole), gravity is pulling him down, towards the South Pole. But for the person at the South Pole, shouldn't gravity pull him down as well? What keeps our person at the South Pole from falling completely off the face of the globe?"

Anyone with enough know-how to use the internet to find this site would also know that gravity would be pulling both people to the same place. Reality tells us that both people are being pulled to the center of the world, while their progress toward that goal is impeded by the terraferma.

The point of all this is, we need to learn when to take things seriously and when to laugh. When the president says, "Iraq had at one point, weapons of mass destruction," we need to see this as a serious comment worth investigating. When members of the Flat-Earth Society completely disregard any sense of rationality and logic, we need to laugh.

Another Hostage Killed

2004-06-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

It appears that another hostage was killed today by the terror group known as Al Queda. Now you know, when people mention this name, Al Queda, it often seems to come in the form of, "they (AQ) did this to us on 9-11, they are killing soldiers and unarmed civilians." These are at least the statements heard on talk radio by the more popular hosts.

The cynical among us though, listen to this and somehow seem to think it is all a myth. "9-11" happened, but hey it was a whole 3 years ago. Sure, some Americans got their heads cut off, but that’s no reason to fight them, is it?

I am just about tired of it.

Mentioning the name Al Quida doesn't even garner a response like it once did. Look people. This is an organized group of terrorists. They have a history of attacking without warning and in ways that kill civilians who are doing nothing more than minding their own damn business. If Bush says that, "we need to hunt down Al Queda," this need not be seen as an unfounded statement said some dumb president with an accent. It needs to be seen as a battle-cry, and a well founded one at that.

As long as this organization of extremists exist, in the manner that they exist now, our people are not safe. Our people are not safe on our own lands, as seen by the two (that’s right, there were two) attacks on the World Trade Center. Our troops are not safe on the water, as seen by the attacks on the USS Cole. Our ambassadors are not safe in a foreign land, as seen by the attacks on the U.S. Embassy in Kenya.

Now some of you might be saying, well, I supported the military action in Afghanistan, you know, when I was still mad about the latest World Trade Center attacks, but I don't support what Bush is doing in Iraq. Most of my friends seem to feel this way. I don't. We need to find members of the terrorist organization "Al Queda" and try to lock them up for crimes against us, wherever they are. If they decide to fight us in the process, guess what, we fight it out, to the death if necessary.

We need to find them, and right now we are finding them in Iraq. We have jails full of them. Do you know how I know this. Al Queda said so. Do you remember that they demanded the release of Al Queda personal being held in various prisons in exchange for the life of Nick Berg? If you've forgotten, I don't blame you. It wasn't really news worthy anyway.

Speaking of Nick Berg, Michael Moore said that he left the Nick Berg footage he had out of the movie out of respect for his family. Mr. Moore, your film was ready for release before he was killed, so citing "respect for his family" as reason for omitting his opinions on the war don't really jive too well with the facts now do they? Oh well, facts have never been your forte anyway, have they? Nick Berg supported the war, and was trying his best to make that nation a better place for the Iraqi citizens before he was kidnapped and beheaded. This is more likely the reason you omitted his statements, whatever they were, from your "documentary."

Now, let me get back to what I was originally talking about. Another American, Paul Johnson Jr., appears to have been beheaded by Al Queda operatives. In their video statement, he was kidnapped because he "works as an engineer for the Apache AH-64 helicopter and who is one of the foremost important engineers with respect to this within the whole Arab world." Mr. Johnson was kidnapped on the same day an American Engineer named Kenneth Scroogs was shot in the back while pulling his car into his garage.

I just thought you guys should know.

Flatbeat

2004-06-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

I have been looking for this music video for some time now. I have found it. It is brilliant.

Click the picture to watch Flatbeat

Meet Flat Eric.

He is the best thing to come out of France since... Well, actually, this is the only good thing to come out of France.

Nursing Homes

2004-06-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

------- Caution : Foul Language Ahead ----------

I have stated before that one of my favorite places to deliver to is Sonny's B.Y.O.B. There are strippers there. The managers are friendly. The tips are good. Did I mention there are strippers there? There are though, places that I go to on a regular basis, that seem to leave me wanting to firmly plant my fist into someone else's face.

These places are … Nursing Homes.

They suck.

The people ordering food at these places are paid poorly, and as such, most of the time they insist on separating out each order to the penny, making sure that when they get their food, they keep 100% of the change. Some have figured out that when one total is $10.03, that particular person can hand me a 20, making me give back $9.97.

Needless to say, a couple of people do this, and I have little change for everyone else.

They are upset that I don't keep a hundred one dollar bills in my back pocket. Upset nurses though, don't appear to be unusual. I have never seen a nurse at a nursing home that wasn't visibly upset with the world around them, which consists mostly of elderly cripples in wheelchairs. Here are a few true to life occurrences with such people.

Bitch #1 - Short Hispanic Hag.

I walk into the nursing home, proceeding with caution as forgotten grandmothers gaze longingly at me. My guess is that their kids have left them there and only visit on days Haley's Comet is visible with the naked eye.

I get the feeling, that when anyone under the age of 72 enters these places, all patrons there imagine them to be their grandchildren.

I find a nurse, a short Hispanic lady who has a vague recollection of ordering food. She pulls out her twenty dollar bill. "Whoa, Big Spendah…." I sarcastically think to myself. She stairs up at all 6'4" of me and goes on an unprovoked tirade.

"Now you have change right??? 'Cause last time I ordered food I didn't get no change, I mean, that ain't happnin' again. Imma gunna get me some change, dontchu think I won't. No way, I'm getting screwed again, last time I ordered I didn't get no change."

"Ma'am, I have change." My reassurance is worthless.

"You better have change, cause last time I didn’t get no change, and theys no way itsa happen again…"

This went on for several minutes.

I'm a professional. I can take this. I do this all the time. Just as long as I end up with at least the total on the bottom of the Guest Check, I'll be fine. I leave that nursing home with a back pocket full of tens and twenties. They are my smallest bills. Making change for the next delivery was a little tough.

Bitch #2 - Fat White Trash.

I walk into another nursing home, this time a veteran to the calls from old ladies with Gollumesque hair and sunken eyes.

The front desk is clearly visible. More visible though, is the ample belly and chin/neck of the nurse perched behind it.

"You Jason's Deli?"

She can read my hat and nametag. Oh good. I thought for a second here I was dealing with someone with skills perhaps less than adequate than those required to receive the title, "Nurse." She puts a wad of bills on the counter and looks away, eyes glazed over. Perhaps some of the patients there are funding some rather unhealthy and illegal habits of hers. It's not my business.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" someone screams from a nearby room. I shit you not. It was blood curdling.

"Ehhh, fucking shit…." The nurse mutters. Without saying another word to me, she plops onto the ground, kankles holding up a massive torso, and proceeds into the room with the screaming patient. I count the money, and leave. Tip: 11 cents.

Bitch #3 - Black Cross Dresser.

I have a little trouble finding this particular place because "Shoddy Little Nursing Home" wasn't written on the check. Normally, all businesses are labeled on the check stapled to the bag I carry the food in. Businesses sometimes don't have addresses clearly labeled, so the business name is written. It is much easier to look for, "Zale's Jewlers" than, "6001 HWY 84."
When I find this shit-hole, I walk up the path and peer into the lobby. Do I have the right place? Who knows? Who cares? Purely on instinct, I head left. This next room has a few old ladies in wheel chairs staring at an old TV. Fun times at the nursing home. Instinctually again, I had left. This time I am met by a nurse who snaps, "This way." He turns and walks into yet another room.

The hallway wasn't well lit, so I didn't get the full impact of whom I was following until he made his way behind his desk. Picture this. A 250 pound African American man, dressed in gaudy women's scrubs, women's shoes, huge women's rings on multiple fingers, individually painted, long, fake fingernails, large gold necklace that seems to be paying homage to Mr. T in the same way it must be giving this guy back pain, huge hoop earrings in both ears, and blue fucking contact lenses.

An old lady in a wheelchair slowly does the one foot shuffle over to his counter.

"NO!!! This is not for you!!! Don't you even ask!!! Before you even ask, the answer is NO!!!"

This guy is yelling at a seventy-five year old lady in a wheelchair. She reminds him, "I said nothing." "Well….." he mutters back at her, back arched, lips perked out, arms crossed. He looks down on her with contempt.

Then, in just about the most effeminate way possible, with palms on the top of the desk next to a signed, blank check, he leans in towards me. As flamboyantly as possible, he asks, "Ten to fifteen minutes, huh?"

I notice that he is making no move to pay.

This is, apparently, not who ordered the food. He points to the name on the bill. "She will be out in a minute." I know how this sort of thing goes. I have waiting to do, in company I don't want to do it with.

Sneeringly, "You get lost?" Don't get the panties I'm sure you're wearing in a bunch mister.

"Umm, no. I just had to wait for another order to be made before I could take this one here."

"She say ten to fifteen minutes. You're late."

This asshole actually wants me to believe that the girl on the phone told him that his food would be ready and in his lip-sticked mouth in 15 minutes from the time he hung up the phone. You lying sack of shit. Quit trying to intimidate me because it isn't working. I'm at least 3 inches taller than you, so can quit the sassy act, where you look down at my chest, it being eye height of most of your clientele. I am going to get money from you and then I am going to leave and be on my way, so how about you shut the fuck up and go powder your nose, bitch.

I am not having fun.

"I got here as fast as I could." I am becoming visibly agitated by three things. This prick has the audacity to lie to me about the time in which I am supposed to get there, then complain that I'm late, and finally attempt to make me late for my next delivery waiting around for the person who actually ordered the food. Her check is right there, dipshit. It is signed. It was given to you by the lady who did the ordering for you to fill out when I got here. Get going Nancy.

Five full minutes later…

"So, tell me. Do YOU people thrive on being late?" he asks.

"Not that I know of," I calmly reply. I've had about enough of his shit. I don't care if he is dressed like a fucking woman. The only things keeping me sane here are visions of me introducing my foot to his sparkled, clumpy eye-lashes. No-one, has ever rubbed me the wrong way, metaphorically speaking, like this guy has.

"Hmmmmmm. I guess I can fill this out now." He fills out the amount on the check and hands it to me. It is the exact amount on the bill. Mother…fucker. You wonder why people spit in your food.

I hate these places.

"Thanks." I leave, already behind schedule for my next delivery.

Carpe Poon

2004-06-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in an earlier blog, I am being forced to take a Latin class this summer. Today, I took my first exam. While I don't think it went as badly as a couple of my exams last semester, I know that I didn't do exceptionally well. What can I say? Foreign languages, perhaps dead ones more than live ones, just ain't my gig. There are just so many arbitrary rules and nuances that make it too difficult for me to learn in the given timeframe, 1 chapter per day out of a book similar to this. It is either that or I'm not studying hard enough. I did study last night though, and even woke up earlier than usual this morning to study. I only pressed the Sleep/Snooze button once, which is far better than normal. Upon entering my bathroom, I saw this sign.

Drew, my roommate put it up there. I found it funny, and worthy of a mention on this here blog. The problem is, all through out my test, I was thinking about seizing the poon. Oh well … had I not been thinking about seizing the poon, I would have been thinking nothing at all, which if you ask me, is a huge waste of time.

Happy Birthday

2004-06-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

Ex-President Bush Plans Birthday Skydive

Sky-Diving on his 80th Birthday? This guy kicks ass.

So Bad Its Good

2004-06-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

I know people who think that there can exist a movie so bad, that it somehow turns good. I don't buy this. If you believe a movie is good, say so, but don't keep going on about how it was so bad that you liked it. This confounded logic doesn't apply to other things any more so than it does to movies. One doesn't pour melted butter onto cereal instead of milk in hopes that it will taste bad enough for one to like it. One doesn't neglect showering for months at a time in hopes that one will smell bad enough to attract members of the opposite sex.

Neither should one walk into movie that by all regards is "bad" and walk out saying, "Man that sucked, but I can't wait to buy it when it comes out on DVD!"

Below are a couple of movies that are bad. They have, however, developed a following of fans who justify their purchases of admittedly bad movies with the standard line, "Well, it's so bad that it's good." I am writing this in defiance of my roommates and other friends of mine who subscribe to this view. There is a whole community out there that thinks this way. Visit here to see what I mean. Ya'll can think what you want, but here is my analysis…

Howard the Duck - This movie is very bad. Horrifyingly bad. Stupefyingly bad. Wicked bad. I can suspend my disbelief for a while and to a certain degree, but no one, and I mean no one, should be able to suspend it for so long and to the point that this movie requires (and by that I mean for most of the people on the planet who see Howard in the film to operate like absolute 'tards, stars and extras alike) for the audience to care at all about the characters, the plot, or anything else in this piece of garbage. The fact that George Lucas didn't have millions of people wanting their money and time back for having watched this abomination to all things good is a miracle. On IMDB.com, iota92587 gives us one review. It is of Howard the Duck, here.

Evil Dead - This one is a little more difficult for me to put on here, but here it goes. Unlike Howard the Duck, the director of this film knew that he was making trash. I don't think though, that this excuses the fact that when I watch it, I feel like I am wasting my life. It's not that I have ever had anything better to do while watching it, but rather I felt as though Bruce Campbell was looking at me through the screen and saying, "You paid for this? Sucker!!! Now watch while I travel back in time, create a robot hand out of 16th century supplies, and generally do things that insult your intelligence for a sequel called Army of Darkness!"

Please note, I am a big fan of Bubba Ho-Tep, which is also a movie that some are going to put in the, "So Bad It's Good" category when they see it. I think there might be a rush to do so because many people who see this one on the shelf will be prompted to give it a go strictly because they liked the Evil Dead movies and put those in the SBIG category. Bruce Campbell stars in this as well, this time playing an aged Elvis living in a retirement home with a dyed black John F. Kennedy played by Ossie Davis. Such a rush to put this movie on the same level as Howard the Duck or Evil Dead I think is misguided. My favorite critic, Roger Ebert, says that in a stark contrast to the Evil Dead movies Bubba Ho-Tep, "…challenges the cleverness of the audience instead of congratulating it. You never catch Campbell or Davis winking at the audience or patronizing the material. They approach their characters with all the curiosity and respect they'd deserve in a serious film." I agree with him. Bubba Ho-Tep isn't "so bad that it's good." Its actually good, indeed very good. I recommend it highly.

Michael Moore

2004-06-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Click the ad above to see a trailer of Fahrenhiet 9/11.
Click his face to see him give his speech thanking the Academy for awarding a fictitious documentary.

Phil Hendrie criticizes Michael Moore and predicts the new flick...

May 24, 2004

Listen here starting at about 15% through.

For those of you who would rather read it... Transcript : "You want to know who the real war profiteer is, and I'll prove it to you. We talk about a guy named Michael Moore; you don't know who he is perhaps because he makes what he calls documentaries. He made Bowling for Columbine. You know that movie? Bowling for Columbine? And he made the other one. What was that thing he did, uhh, before Bowling for Columbine? Roger and Me, a very famous film. Great movie, I liked Roger and Me. Even though I knew what it was, you know, a load, and he made Dude Where's My Car or something, oh, Dude Where's My Country. Dude Where's My Car is my favorite movie. Dude Where's My Country is a book that I haven't read, uhh, although I have already read parts of it … on the Internet. They were written by somebody else. And then there was, you know. So he made a movie called 9-11: The temper, Fahrenheit 9-11: The Temperature At Which Freedom Burns and it is a take-off on Fahrenheit 451 which was the Ray Bradbury novel. Fahrenheit 451 by the way being the temperature at which paper burns. It was about a society in which they burned all the books. Now Fahrenheit 9-11 is a movie that is sometimes called a documentary when he wants you to believe certain parts of it, but it's sometimes called satire when he can't back-up what he says, and so he says, 'well it's just satire.' Here's why I admire Michael Moore. I do on my show every day, basically a send up of reality and twist it with our characters. And, we basically say this is a comedy show. You've never heard me say anything other than that, so I let everyone in on what it is that I do, right? Michael Moore on the other hand, he doesn't, and as a result this guy is making millions and I'm still sittin' here having to go in and have a meeting with the program director 'cause I said something bad on the radio or I have to take somebody's phone call because they didn't like this or didn't like that, right? In other words, the guy does exactly what I do, but because I'm honest about it, because I say, 'This is a satirical presentation of talk-radio and these characters are actually people that we create,' I'm sittin' here, like 8 hours a day. I'm a workin' stiff, OK. This cat is makin' millions, and when I say, 'Millions,' let me get to the real point of what this was about. If ever there was a war-profiteer, Michael Moore, who admittedly contorts images so that he really doesn't do a documentary, he does kind of a satirical documentary, but he uses images of men in coffins coming home from Iraq. He uses images of the destruction of the World Trade Center, and he continues to use more images of soldiers in Iraq. In other words, Michael Moore is a bigger war-profiteer than Bush ever will be. This guy is making millions. He is not going to give a nickel back. He's having himself a good time in France, winning the Top Award for a movie that knocks America. Gee that was a tough one. He made a movie that craps all over America and, uhh, he showed it in France. If he hadn't won the top award, I would have thought it must've been a …. In fact, Tarantino, who was the president of the panel that voted for this piece of crap said, "Well, it was the best movie… at the awards this year." Well it must've been a thin year man. A THIN year. So this Dumb-Ass makes a flick, and I say "Dumb-Ass" with all due respect; he's smarter than me, that does nothing but exploit images from a war-zone in Iraq and he is personally profiting to the tune of millions of dollars and he admittedly distorts and contorts some of the images because after all, depending upon who's asking, he's a satirist. And he's doing it all and pocketing the dough. Even Steven Spielberg when he made Schindler's List didn't keep the profit. He didn't keep the money. He gave it over to a foundation that supports Holocaust victims. Even Spielberg had the common decency to understand what it was he was doing, what it was he was presenting, but Moore? That Lard-Ass only knows one thing, and one thing alone. Groceries. And it takes money to buy them."

I saw his film Roger and Me. I loved it. I disagreed with it, but loved it none the less. I also saw Bowling for Columbine. I liked it as well. Both are superb pieces of filmmaking. I have little doubt that his new movie, Fahrenheit 9/11, will also be a superb film. Keith doesn't remember the last time a film this influential has ever been made, and he has only seen the trailer. Simply put, the man knows what he is doing. What I don't know is, is why he constantly parades his fat-ass in front of the camera. Moore, you aren't the story man. You see people, documentaries are supposed to be accurate representations of or about real-life events. By him openly pushing an agenda, credibility is lost. When he stages scenes, misrepresents facts, and reinterprets history (as all 3 are brilliantly shown here) he is no longer creating a documentary, but propaganda, something I would assume he is adamantly against. So Mr. Moore, I wish you the best of luck man. You are good at what you do, but at least let people in on the fact that you are a satirist, and not a true documentarian.

So remember kids... Great Documentaries are American Movie and Crumb. No matter what Moore tell you, Bowling for Columbine is cleverly edited fiction.

Alarm Clock

2004-06-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

This is my Bose WaveRadio. It functions an an alarm clock moreso than anything else.

Above : This is what it looks like to most people.

Above : This is what it looks like to me before class.

Above : This is what it looks like to me after class.

Clearly, I need to aquire much more self control.

Brotherly Conversings

2004-06-07T00:08:00.000-07:00

What he lacks in academic talent, he makes up for with a clever sense of humor and a good heart. He is my brother, Matthew. He is RedFender14. I am Ventura6. This is a conversation we had as best I can remember it.

Ventura6: How is your driving coming along?
RedFender14: I already passed my test
Ventura6: no, I meant, are you getting better?

A long pause.

RedFender14: you know how I scared the kids I was driving with a while ago
RedFender14: the guy I was driving with lets us pick our own stations, so I put it on the latino station
RedFender14: I just left it on there for like 5 minutes
Ventura6: did you keep a straight face?
RedFender14: ya
Ventura6: classic Matt, classic

I close my window. A new message arrives.

RedFender14: I could see them fidgeting in the back
Ventura6: hey could you send me that conversation again, I accidentally closed the window
RedFender14: why
Ventura6: cause it was funny and I want it
RedFender14: no
Ventura6: why not
RedFender14: I accidentally deleted the window
Ventura6: you accidentally deleted the window, c'mon
Ventura6: you suck, I was going to make you famous
RedFender14: how
Ventura6: I was going to post the whole thing on some well read blogs, but you deleted the window, they were going to say, "Matt has a very Michael sense of humor."
Ventura6: tell you what, ill close my window again, and we will just start over
RedFender14: no
Ventura6: c'mon matt, it'll be good
RedFender14:fine

I close my window…. and sure enough, a new one pops up.
This part is accurate for certain.

RedFender14: you know what i did to scare some kids while i was doing a drivers ed test
RedFender14: the man i was driving with let me pick a station, so i put it on a latino station for like 5 min
RedFender14: i sure had them pretty scared
Ventura6: that sucks, start over
RedFender14: no!
Ventura6: do it, do it
Ventura6: DO IT
RedFender14: never
RedFender14 signed off at 3:08:16 PM.

Matthew has a very Mike sense of humor.

Standard Equipment

2004-06-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

I used to work at a car dealership. I won't say where, but if you buy a car from them you get an extended family whether you like it or not. I like the options people can order on cars now though. It always fascinated me.

Some are standard though on every car made in America ever. One is called the "Perpetually Tightening Seatbelt." I like this feature though. You know. It keeps you on your toes. Trips lasting longer than 20 seconds require at least 2 repositionings. And we put up with it. Why? Every 10 seconds … Press that little orange button … pull the buckle up the belt with the right hand while the left hand firmly holds the bottom part of the belt in place …. Extend the left arm for full extension while reclasping the buckle with the right. Then we sit there like idiots, left hand still out, keeping that belt as far away from our waist as possible, thinking that if something happens, we'll just let it snap back into place. That’s safety right there. Let go of the belt, smash into a tree. Afterwards, St. Peter asks you, "Why didn't you just take it off?" And you have to say, "Click it or Ticket." You know what will happen to you if you don’t click it? You go straight to "pound me in the ass prison," thats what.

There was another feature though that I never could find, but seems to be on every car in every movie ever made. It's called the "Automatic Detonation Feature." Every movie you see where a car flips over on to its roof, Kaboom! 2 gallons of Gasoline turns into 20 pounds of Plastic Explosive just as soon as whoever was in it sprints to safety faster than a Kenyan at the Olympics. That’s realism there. Tell some of these American runners we send to compete that they have a broken leg because their car just flipped and is about to explode. Maybe then we'll see some real competition in that 40 meter dash.

For the Electronica Fans

2004-06-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

My Coffee and Culture sparring partner has created something. It is called Sourmonkey. His real name is Gabriel Chance and he loves music. Click the monkey for the band page. Click here for some songs.

On a side note.... click here for his blog.

Political Spectrum

2004-06-03T10:30:00.002-07:00

I would consider myself a conservative. I'm not really sure what I'm conserving. It's not gas. It certainly ain't the trees. I dream about burning Sequoias. The beams in my apartment are 12 by 12 Redwoods. I do like how they make the conservative / liberal distinction in High-School though. They give you this little litmus test and then put you on a circle according to your answers. I like how Anarchist is closer to Fascist than Republican is to Democrat. This probably sends kids the wrong message don't you think. We can see the inconsistencies when we make an analogous Automobile Spectrum circle.

We should be telling our kids that at the top are not a Civic next to a Mac big-rig. It’s an El Camino, Hitler at the wheel, with the Sex Pistols in bed singing, "I, wanna be…. Anarchy!" 'Cause the kids aren't messed up enough already.

Master of the Air-Waves

2004-06-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

This man is an absolute genius. His name is Phil Hendrie. He has been on the radio for a long time performing a type of Radio-Theater that is unique and very funny. Aside from making brilliant comments on current issues with a straight face like every other radio show host, he also makes those comments in a very different, satirical way. He has "guests" on the show with rather insane points of view. Those views are the extreme of many common views held by many people. The "guests" though, are Phil speaking into a telephone reciever with a different voice instead of a microphone. The conversations are so seamless between his normal voice and the guest's telephone voice; people call the radio show thinking the guest is actually a real (and different) person. While Phil tries to referee the verbal fight between the guest and the callers, an audience that rivals Rush Limbaugh's is dying of laughter in their cars, homes, and offices. Phil estimates that about 98% of the audience is in on the joke. I don't give people that much credit. Anyway, this is one of my favorite entertainers. He is my favorite radio show host, bar none. I encourage anyone who sees this blog to listen to him online here. You can download and listen to a commercial-free broadcast of the last dozen or so shows. You can also listen live here from 9-12pm Central Standard Time. Enjoy.

A Regular Feature

2004-06-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

This will be a regular feature on my blog.

This is Ben. He is my new room-mate. In addition to being a whiz with the Totino's Pizza, he can draw like nobody's business. While attending college in Colorado, he was fortunate enough to have naked (usually elderly, but still naked) women to draw. Being a male, he chose to draw them from the neck down, omitting unimportant things like the face in favor of nipple. He brought with him to Waco a poster of one such model, which is now stuck with magnets to our fridge. There is a new face on the poster. There will be many new ones in the future. When there is a new one, it will be posted. This is what we have now.

Our President has boobs. Alert the Yahoo Press. Perhaps they will call it a news story so a bunch of ignorant hicks can comment on it on the message boards.

I Touch Food

2004-06-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my food safety course where I met a man named Ed Dvorack. Now, he seems like a nice guy; he has a sense of humor, seems to take his job seriously, and, I think, genuinely cares that we learn how to properly handle food. He operates out of a government book, and he seems to do a pretty decent job of it. He is also a Health Inspector. When he comes into a restaurant, he checks things out and writes tickets to those that aren't obeying the laws. I understand all of this. We live in a civilized society, and we must have rules. Some of those rules apply to cleanliness in food. People should not spit, sweat, sneeze, cough, urinate, bleed, ejaculate, or defecate into what they serve. I get it.

However, the lengths some people will go in order to not "contaminate" food is beyond reason. If the rules were followed as he described them, Jason's Deli would need 1,000 clean towels at any given time, 100 clean knives, and all employees who even think about handling food would have to get in a perpetual line at the hand-washing sink. The stainless steel counter on which I cut frozen soup would never be used. The seats in my car would never be clean enough to carry the deliveries when I go on a route, so I would be out of a job. The counter and my seats are not ever really that dirty. We are not talking about an equivalent to the layers of dead rats found in so many 500 gallon boilers a hundred years ago. We are talking about normal cleanliness not being good enough for the law.

This brings me to my real point. Have you noticed that people seem to be getting sicker and sicker? Have you also noticed that the people always getting sick are the ones most concerned with contamination? Do you know why? The human body is a very tough thing. We are living Bradley Tanks walking in a sea of muck everyday. The more muck we walk through, the tougher we get. We build up immunity to the muck. What the people who are obsessed with cleanliness fail to do is be around enough germs to properly protect themselves. Maybe if more people would follow a 10 day rule instead of a 10 second rule when an M&M falls on the bathroom floor, we would all be better off.

I do know this, though. I have been granted permission to handle your food in McClennon County for the next two years. There is a piece of paper in my car saying so. I won't do anything bad to your food, so don't worry. Do, however, put things into perspective when you go to wash your hands. If you really want them clean, wash them thoroughly with soap and hand sanitizer for at least 20 minutes, put on individually wrapped latex gloves, and fasten the tops of them with tape in order to maintain a seal. Never scratch, rub, or look at anything that may be dirty on your own person. Make your way to a hyperbolic chamber full of water that is at least 140 degrees and soak until you die. Otherwise, rinse, shake, and dry.

Delivering to Strippers

2004-06-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

I started a new job at Jason's Deli. I'm a delivery driver. I get paid $7.00 an hour plus tips. Some people tip well and others don't tip at all. I have however, discovered who tips best; strippers. Believe it or not, having such a menial job does have its perks. I have only been working four days and already I have delivered to Waco's top strip club called "Sonny's B.Y.O.B" on four different occasions. I drive there, walk up the steps, open the door and am nearly blasted out of the entry hallway by whatever techno music Matt (that’s right, I already know the general manager's/DJ's name) decided Summer or Misty could get funky with. After passing topless photographs of the current performers, I reach the end of the hallway and look through a little square hole in the wall. Mike (I know his name too) immediately recognizes that his female commodities need nourishment and says, "C'mon in man." I open the door and see a rather well proportioned completely nude woman dancing with a pole for some old men in trucker caps. Because the place is surprisingly small and the stage is exceptionally well lit, I could clearly make out the heart shaped tattoo just above and to the right of the dancer's short landing-strip styled pubic hair. When I walk in, I instantly become the most popular guy in the place, with at least 3 strippers in lingerie bouncing over to me looking for a sandwich. And, although the orders came in separately (as opposed to a collective order for many people) they have always done the completely rational thing and put in a little more money than whatever was their individual total cost into a pot. That way, when I walk in and the total stapled to the bag is 47.33, I walk out with a couple of 20's and 15 sweaty singles from a single stripper who has kept said pot in her bra. I haven't sniffed any of the bills so don't ask me what they smell like. They are always happy to get their stuff and get on to business, which is a very welcome change from the nurses at the old-folks' home. As I am about to leave, I always sneak a peak around my shoulder to catch a glimpse of the lone dancer and I can almost see her give me a nod and a wink, non-verbally sending me that message that, "Yes, we order from you every other day, so you will be seeing a lot of us." God bless Jason's Deli.

- NOTE - This was originally posted on Chris Ha's Blog.

Dr. Froberg

2004-06-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

Due to a misunderstanding with my Academic Advisor during my freshman year, I am being forced to take two years of foreign language instead of two semesters. Because all foreign languages here at Baylor are next to impossible (or so I have heard) after the second semester, I have opted to take two classical languages, Latin and Hebrew, for two semesters each. Because I started in the spring of my junior year, I must now take the second semester of Latin in the summer. It will be grueling. It will be rough. It will not be beneficial to my well being or post-academic career whatsoever. Today was my first day of Summer-School, and this second semester of Latin is the only thing I am taking. Today though, I realized that I have chosen the wrong professor. In Dr. King, the normal professor's one day absence, there stood a funny looking man named Dr. Froberg. His tank-top was clearly visible through his thin, white button-down shirt, which donned the only multi-colored bowtie I have ever seen. His large square glasses were perched on an upturned nose and settled beneath a large bald head. Speaking perfect English, he let us all know, this guy is for real. I swear I learned more from him today in an hour than in any week during my stay with Dr. King. This isn't all though; the hour went by so fast in the midst of his humor and various antics few realized it was time to leave at the end of it. During that class, he said the following things…

- When a student answered incorrectly - "Notice, I said, 'incorrect' as opposed to 'wrong' because 'wrong' has a connotation of moral judgment."
- When a wrong answer trips him up - "As a young child I used to listen to a radio show called Smilin' Ed and The Gang. With them was a character named, Froggie the Gremlin. Now Froggie used to finish others' sentences in ways that would make the original speaker sound silly. That is kind of what you have done to me…"
- Yet another wrong answer - "Now, don't be afraid of or intimidated by Dr. King or me for giving incorrect answers. I don't hate you, or even dislike you for doing so…"

This man has character. I wish I had picked him earlier.

LL Sam's Lofts

2004-06-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

I live in LL Sam's Lofts in Waco near Baylor University.

LL Sam's Lofts

Since the day I moved in until today, the garbage disposal had not worked. This bitch of a girl who works and lives here took little interest in getting it fixed. My roommates and I planned on leaving whatever food we couldn't eat outside her door, which happens to be down the hall from ours. We settled on just bugging her with statements like, "You know, I don't know if I've told you yet, but our garbage disposal doesn't seem to be working…" Today, I went down and employed this method before checking the mail. Shortly after getting back to the apartment, there was a knock at the door.

Before I could turn my head from the computer monitor, a man was inside yelling, "Maintenance, Maintenance is here! Hello! Is anyone home! Hello!" He clearly suffers from some form of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. He is holding a broom in one hand and he is looking around the place when I emerge from my room. "Maintenance!" he bellows again.
"Umm, yes, are you here to fix the garbage disposal?" I ask.
"Yes." He flips the switch, hears a hum, and proceeds to jam the broom handle down the drain. Before I have time to blink in order to confirm this method of plumbership, the hum coming from below the sink turns into the familiar grind of the disposal.
"What was wrong with it?"
"Jammed…."
"Hmm, OK, thanks."

He left, broom in tow and pants sagging. My roommates and I have been complaining to management for two weeks about this problem and today they decide to ram a broom down our sink and fix the problem in a matter of seconds. These are the same seconds they claimed to not have for us earlier. I am starting to loath LL-Sam's Management. I am starting to once more contemplate leaving food outside her door.

First Post

2004-06-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

This is my first post, although more will be up in a few minutes as they have been pre-written. I hope that the subsequent posts by myself and others (functioning purely as guest writers) will entertain, enlighten, and elude to parts of life that people often overlook. If one does not smell the roses while they are blooming, well, they will have to wait another year to try again. From today, to at least mid-June, I will be smelling roses. You and your friends are more than welcome to smell with me. In fact, I encourage all who read this blog to tell all your friends to read it too. So read on. I hope you enjoy what you see.